Be the Light in My Lantern, chapter 11

[starfishstar]

BE THE LIGHT IN MY LANTERN

Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (At long last, my Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making!)

Chapter 11: A Cautious Distance


Maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

–Jeff Buckley, Lover, You Should've Come Over


When Tonks opened the door of her flat to a knock a few evenings later, she did so with a sudden sinking sensation that this was going to become a familiar sight: Remus looking penitent on her doorstep.

"I'm sorry," he said, before she'd even got the door all the way open. "I shouldn't have let it go this far. I felt it only right to come and tell you that."

"Wait, what?" Tonks asked, feeling as if she'd missed several steps of a conversation she hadn't known she'd been having. Remus' eyes were a little wild, his hands twisting together in front of him.

"Please forgive me," he said, a hoarse rasp to his voice. "I shouldn't have allowed myself to get involved at all. I ought to know better. But I'd let myself hope… The thing is… I would be a danger to you, Dora, you don't understand the implications, and I really shouldn't have – I let myself be – there's no excuse for it." He was now running both hands through his hair, something Tonks was learning to recognise as a characteristic gesture when he was agitated or unsure of himself.

She leaned back against the doorframe, feeling its sharp edge pressing into her shoulder blade, and crossed her arms in front of her. "Okay, how about you slow down and tell me that again in coherent sentences, please."

"I need to end this. It was wrong of me to start in the first place, and I'm so sorry to be doing this. But better now than later. Or so I hope."

Tonks surveyed Remus, his agitation and his riotously disordered hair. Remus with his anxious eyes and his overdeveloped sense of what he considered to be right and wrong. He looked like he'd had a few sleepless nights over this already.

"Look," she said, "would you at least come inside, before the neighbors start poking their noses out?"

"I shouldn't…"

"Yes, you really should. Come on." She pushed herself off from the doorframe, took Remus by the arm and pulled him into her flat.

Remus barely looked round the small room, just sank dejectedly onto one end of the threadbare sofa that Tonks got bored with every month or so and charmed into a different outrageous colour; right now it was a lurid shade of orange and not at all matching to either of their moods. Tonks perched on the opposite arm of the sofa and tried to give Remus a level look, one that said she was listening to his concerns, but also she wasn't going to give in to any decisions he made when it was so clearly his panic speaking.

Remus spoke first, staring down at his hands clenched together in his lap. "I don't know how to make you understand how harmful it would be for you, being involved with me," he said quietly.

Tonks puffed out a frustrated breath of air. "Do I really have to explain again the part about how putting myself in harm's way is what I do for a living?"

He looked up and met her eyes. There was such depth in Remus' eyes. "That's not the only kind of harm I mean. I'm an outcast, I'm poor, and those things would end up reflecting on you as well. They could easily ruin your life and your career. You've got your whole future in front of you! And that's quite aside from the physical danger I pose, how easily I could end up hurting you at the full moon if I slipped up with my precautions even once."

"Okay, setting aside for the moment the frankly ridiculous supposition that I would ever put myself in a position to be in danger from you in your transformed state… About the rest of it, I don't care. I don't care about money and status and all that. How can you not that?"

Remus ploughed on. "When we went out the other night, we went to a Muggle part of the city, because I can't even show my face in many wizarding places. You haven't witnessed it, because we've mostly met within the shelter of the Order, but people can get quite unpleasant when they know what I am. They're frightened, and they act out that fear in unpredictable ways. Sometimes it escalates into aggression or violence. It's a life lived perpetually under attack, and I would never wish that for you."

Despite her frustration with him, Tonks found herself leaning forward in sympathy. "Oh, Remus, " she said. "That's okay. I mean, no, of course it's not okay, not at all. But the fact that you experience that doesn't make me not want to be around you. It just makes me want to fight all the more against those people and those prejudices!"

Remus turned more fully towards her end of the sofa, his eyes imploring. "But what you don't understand is that those prejudices would affect you, too. People would treat you differently. No, they would," he insisted, as Tonks tried to protest. "How would you feel when you got passed over for promotion because your superiors will assume someone who associates with a werewolf can't be trustworthy?"

"That isn't going to happen!"

"Yes, it will. It would." Remus sighed and rubbed one hand across his forehead. "Dora, please, you're making this so difficult."

Now Tonks' temper flared out, and she flung her arms wide in frustration. "No, you're making this difficult! For Merlin's sake, this doesn't have to be complicated. It's not like I'm asking you to give me some commitment for forever. I'm not exactly looking to settle down just yet – kind of busy fighting a war and all that. I wasn't even looking to meet anyone, when I met you! It just happened. But the thing is, I like you. I'd like to get to know you. And seriously, we've only been on one date, isn't that a little soon to give up?"

Remus sighed, a tortured sound. He was staring at the wall opposite, with its peeling wallpaper and hodgepodge of concert posters with gyrating images of wizarding rock musicians, but he didn't seem to see them. "Look, you're young, you're only 22."

Tonks crossed her arms again. "Thank you, yes, I'm aware."

"All I mean to say is, you haven't experienced this kind of thing firsthand yet."

"And I still don't care."

Remus sighed again, sounding so world-weary. "I just – as the older party here, I feel a responsibility to be the one who thinks things through –"

"Oh, please, the 'older party'? What is this, a legal contract?"

"I'm not trying to belittle you –"

"Which is precisely what you're doing –"

"– but you have to see that I'm a danger to you."

"No, I don't see that. I don't see that at all!"

"Then you're either blind or a fool!"

That pulled both of them up short.

Remus straightened up sharply and drew a harsh breath. "I am – so sorry," he said. "I didn't mean that."

Tonks turned on her arm of the sofa and faced Remus full on. "Except that is basically what you think, isn't it? You think I'm too young and stupid to know what's good for me. But you know what? I'm young, but I'm not stupid. I know how to make my own decisions."

Remus' hand had returned to mangling his own hair. "I'm so sorry. Dora, I truly didn't mean that."

"You think I haven't thought this through?" she demanded. The words felt hot as they exploded out of her mouth. "I have. Far more than you seem to think I'm capable of doing. You think I'm just stumbling blindly about, but I've thought about this – about you – from every side, and my decision is that I like you, and I don't care what anybody else thinks about that. Whatever life throws at me because of that, I can handle it. I have to admit, right now you're seriously testing the 'liking' part, but the rest still stands. And you're not going to get me to change my mind."

Remus pressed one palm against his forehead. Every taut angle of his body seemed to scream. "You deserve someone whole."

"Nobody is completely whole."

His voice had dropped to an exhausted rasp. "I don't mean only because of my condition. There are – so many ways in which I am not a whole or wholesome person."

Tonks regarded Remus, the tension in his shoulders and the pain in his eyes, and her anger drained away, suddenly and completely. Remus had spent – how many years of his life this way? Believing himself broken and unworthy of love?

She stood up, went over to his side of the sofa, sat down beside him, and put her arms around him.

Remus sat stiffly in her arms, letting her hold him but keeping himself tightly contained, as if even the slightest movement were forbidden. But Tonks held on, just kept breathing in the soft scent of his jumper, his hair, whatever combination of scents it was that made him so unmistakeably Remus. And slowly, so slowly, he relaxed under her touch, his angry angles turning into something that was still angular, but at least a little less sharp.

Only then did Tonks pull back to look at him, keeping her hands on his shoulders and waiting until he looked up and met her eyes. Remus pursed his lips, but didn't avert his gaze.

"I get it," Tonks said quietly, "You lost everything – all your friends when you were still so young, your family. And you've been living this shattered life for years, and you're only just starting to put the pieces back together. I do understand. Well, no, how could I, I've never been through anything like that. But I understand more than you're giving me credit for. I do realise how hard this is for you, how many obstacles there are. But, Remus, the thing is: I like you anyway. I'd like to date you anyway, if you'd be willing to give it a try."

Remus shook his head, and his voice was even hoarser than before. "I can't let you do that."

"It's not about letting –" Tonks forced herself to break off that line of argument before she started getting angry all over again. She made herself take a long, slow breath, then started again. "I'm capable of making my own decisions. As are you. And it's good that we're talking about this. I'm going to give you space, and I'm certainly not going to force you into anything. But promise me we'll keep talking, okay? Don't shut me out. And please, don't go running away again for weeks on end."

She felt how he shifted uncomfortably beneath her hands. "Erm, yes, sorry about that."

"Can you promise me you won't disappear? That we'll keep talking?"

"We'll keep talking, yes. Because we're – are we friends, at least? Regardless?"

Tonks sighed and dropped her hands into her lap. "I don't know. This stuff's complicated, Remus. It's not something you can just decide with your head."

Hesitantly, Remus reached out and took one of Tonks' hands, holding it gently in both of his own and tracing his thumb along the lines of her palm. His gaze fixed on her hand, he murmured, "How in Merlin's name did you end up so sensible?"

Tonks snorted out a surprised laugh. "You know what, you ought to decide whether I'm sensible or a fool, because I'm not sure it's technically possible to be both."

Startled into meeting her eyes, Remus looked up and said, "I'm sorry. I take that back, I really do."

"I know. I know, I know. " She sighed and squeezed his hand. "It's late. Go home and get some sleep. I'll see you at the meeting next week. And I won't push you. I just want to know that I'll still see you, at least."

"Yes. I want that, too," Remus murmured. He glanced down at her hand, seeming surprised to realise he was still holding it in his. When he looked up again, Tonks felt the spark of desire that leapt between them, the warmth rising in her chest at the awareness of Remus, sitting so close that his leg pressed against hers, holding her hand so warmly, his eyes full of tender things he wasn't allowing himself to say.

Quickly, he placed her hand back in her own lap, setting it down gently but then fairly jumping up from the sofa, suddenly all decisive motion. "I'll…just be going, then," he said.

Tonks looked up at Remus, and she could see that animal panic in his eyes again. She stood, trying to be matter-of-fact, trying not to frighten him any more than he was already frightening himself.

"Good night, Remus," she said, once she'd seen him to the door, doing her best to smile and not let that smile give away her sadness.

"Good night, Dora," Remus said, standing there just outside her door while she stood just inside, his melancholy smile a mirror of her own.

He hesitated, then nodded once and shoved his hands into his pockets. For the moment, there was nothing more to say. Remus offered Tonks another muted smile, then turned and trudged down the corridor, hands still shoved in his pockets, his shoulders slumped in quiet determination.

– – – – –

The next time they saw each other was by chance; Tonks was meeting with Moody in the kitchen at Headquarters and hadn't expected Remus to be home.

"Oh, hello," Remus said.

"Wotcher," Tonks said.

"Morning, Remus," Moody grunted, then directed Tonks' attention back to the list they were compiling of Ministry employees to keep an eye on.

Remus headed back out of the kitchen with such alacrity that even Moody noticed. He raised an eyebrow, the one above his non-magical eye, at Tonks. "Do I want to know?"

"I doubt it," she replied.

"No, probably not," Moody agreed, and they got back to work.

Remus sought Tonks out in the entrance hallway, though, as she was putting on her cloak and scarf. He was polite and kind, asking neutral questions about how her week had been, and this time it was Tonks who skittered out the door before too long, afraid of what she might end up saying if she stayed too long.

But when most of the Order convened for a meeting a week later and Tonks made some small joke, it was Remus who laughed. And she saw how they both noticed that, the small, shared moment as the rest of the conversation continued on around them. Remus pulled a deliberately earnest face for her benefit, acknowledging the oddness of it, but also the oddness of treating it as odd. Tonks had to smile a little too.

A few days later, she finally dropped by again to visit Sirius, since it didn't seem fair that her cousin should suffer just because she was engaged in a weird dance of avoidance with his housemate. Remus joined them in the kitchen for a bit and it felt normal, pleasant even. Still, he managed to disappear just before she left, avoiding any awkward goodbyes.

The next time Tonks went to Grimmauld Place after that, Sirius informed her at the door that Remus was away. It was silly, really, that she should feel a stab of disappointment at that, when just a couple minutes before she'd been fervently hoping not to run into Remus.

"But, wait," Tonks said, confused. The cold air from outside swirled in with her as she stepped into the house. "It's not the full moon yet, is it?"

"No, no," Sirius said, closing the front door behind her and reapplying the locks and charms. "He's just looking into some things for Dumbledore. Though, speaking of full moons and Dumbledore, sounds like he's got big plans for our favourite werewolf this month."

"What do you mean?" Tonks asked, as she followed him down the stairs. "Where's Remus going this time?"

"No idea," Sirius shrugged. "It's better for all involved if the rest of us don't know where he goes."

Tonks gaped at her cousin as they arrived in the kitchen. "But what if something happened to him while he's…wherever he is?"

Sirius smoothly cleared glasses and dirty plates from the table; Tonks thought she saw a Firewhisky bottle disappear, too. The sight of it made her uncomfortably aware that with Harry gone and Remus away, Sirius had no reason to pull himself together.

"Dumbledore knows where to find him, if it comes to that," he answered. Tonks must have been glaring at him, because Sirius threw his hands in the air and said, "I didn't make the rule." He went to put water for tea on, rattling around in the cupboard until he found some loose-leaf Assam. "And by the way, Tonks, can I ask…?"

"No-o."

"No, I can't ask, or no, you're not romantically involved with old Moony?"

She was definitely blushing. How irritating that she could blush on cue when she wanted to, but not not blush when she didn't want to. Tonks sighed and dropped into a chair at the table, resigning herself to the idea that, yes, apparently she was having this conversation with Sirius. "Just, no, I don't have an answer to that question."

"How can you not know? Seems to me it's one of those things where either you are or you aren't."

"Sirius. This is international man of mystery Remus Lupin we're talking about here."

"All right, fair enough."

Sirius set a steaming cup of tea down on the table in front of her and Tonks fiddled with the handle, her need for insight wrestling with the embarrassment of admitting to her cousin just how much she fancied his mate. Ultimately, the need for insight won out. "So, actually, can I ask you…"

"Yes?" Sirius had plopped himself down in the chair across from Tonks, and was giving her an alarmingly avid look.

"And believe me, it's mortifying that we're having this conversation at all, and I sincerely hope that after this we can agree never to speak of it again…" A glint that had been lacking in Sirius' eye of late seemed to be returning as she spoke and left Tonks doubting he would grant that particular request. She plunged on anyway. "Will he ever stop running hot and cold on me?"

Sirius leaned forward across the table, resting his chin on his palm. To Tonks' relief, he didn't laugh. "What exactly did he say?"

"Oh, a bunch of silly, noble stuff about how he thinks he's too dangerous and he wouldn't want to inflict himself on me. Which is a load of Doxy droppings. It's ridiculous, Sirius. You know it is. Was…was he always like this? In the past?"

Sirius snorted, and leaned back in his chair, tipping it onto its back legs. "Tonks, my dear, I can't tell you anything useful about 'the past,' because Remus doesn't have a past, not like you're imagining. He doesn't let people close to him. We Marauders aside, obviously, he's never let someone into his life as much as he's already done with you."

She gaped at him. "That can't possibly be true."

"And even with us, there were limits. There was only so much we were allowed to see."

Tonks shifted her teacup minutely sideways along the tabletop. "He mentioned a girlfriend… During the first Order?"

"Yeah, a woman called Ariel," Sirius said, dismissive. "Nah, wasn't serious."

"It sounded serious when he talked about her."

"Well, but when she left him, he didn't try to do anything about it, did he?"

"That's probably just because he thought she was right to leave him. I can't believe he thinks like that. Lots of women would count themselves lucky to be with him! How does he not know that?"

Sirius smirked across the table at Tonks. "Surely you don't want more competition for yourself?"

"I wouldn't mind if it meant he'd be happy," she shot back.

Sirius continued to fix Tonks with that supercilious smirk until she felt herself starting to blush again. "Er," she said. "I've got it pretty bad, haven't I?"

Sirius just sipped his tea, letting his smug silence answer the question.

"So…how's Harry?" Tonks asked, casting around for a topic of conversation other than herself and her all-too-transparent feelings. But Sirius' face darkened, and Tonks was immediately sorry she'd asked. She picked up her teacup, trying to hide her expression of concern for Sirius behind it.

"He's fine, I suppose," Sirius grunted. "Not as if he tells me anything in his letters, though. Doesn't want to worry me. Probably thinks his reckless godfather will do something stupid."

"Harry doesn't think you're stupid."

"But he does think I'm useless." Sirius' expression was growing more thundrous by the moment.

Tonks set her teacup back down. "That's not true. Sirius, he doesn't think that. Nobody thinks that. Are you even listening to me?" She could see he wasn't. "Staying safe is the most important thing you can do right now," she told him, hating the sanctimonious sound of the words even as they came out of her mouth.

Sirius drummed his fingers on the table in an uneven rhythm and stared past her ear. Gone was their camaraderie; in the space of moments, she'd watched Sirius get lost inside himself again, and Tonks didn't know how to draw him back out.

"The Ministry will clear you," she said a little desperately. "Once everything comes out into the open. They'll give you a real trial, and then you'll be able to go out again. You just have to wait a while longer."

"Not holding my breath, where the Ministry's concerned," Sirius growled, gaze still fixed on the wall behind Tonks' head.

His tone was so strange, such a weird mixture of anger and reckless indifference, it made Tonks shiver.

– – – – –

"I wish you'd do something about Sirius," Tonks said the next time she saw Remus.

"Yes, hello to you too," Remus said, holding open the door to let her into the house. He gave her a smile, though he looked tired. Tonks knew it was only a day until the full moon. That was something she couldn't help but be aware of, now.

She glanced around the entrance hallway. "Is he around? Can I talk about him behind his back, or is he going to pop out from some corner and scare me to death?"

"He's upstairs somewhere," Remus said, the corners of his eyes wrinkling with amusement at her phrasing. "And I doubt he's coming down anytime soon, so I suppose you can talk about him behind his back to your heart's content. Would you like to come downstairs?"

Tonks shook her head. "No, thanks. I can't stay long. Kingsley just asked me to drop some things off." She pulled a tightly rolled sheaf of parchment from the inner pocket of her cloak. "I assume you'll know what to do with these. Kingsley did a good job of it too, did the whole bit – bumped into me in the hall, dropped the things he was carrying, somehow his parchment ended up mixed up with mine… I think it's blueprints, and he muttered something about Mad-Eye and Emmeline."

"I'll see to it that these get to them."

"Thanks," Tonks said, pressing the scroll into his hands. "Anyway, can you do something about Sirius? Try to talk some sense into him, remind him that lying low here may be boring, but it's still the right thing for him to do right now?"

Remus chuckled, but it wasn't a particularly merry sound. "I wish I could tell you I'd ever been able to convince Sirius of anything."

"Oh, come on, you can get through to him if anyone can. Weren't you always the one who could talk him out of doing truly stupid things?"

"That, unfortunately, was James."

"James? Really?"

"Each of them was pretty much the only one who ever had a chance of talking the other out of anything. If Sirius thought something was uncool, James considered that the definitive word. And if James was actually willing to declare something too far out or dangerous, Sirius knew to listen to him. I can't say my word ever carried much weight compared to that."

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Oh, stop being so modest."

"It's the truth. Sirius was the one who could rein James in, and James was the check Sirius needed to keep from going off rails entirely."

That was an uncomfortable thought. "So, do you think he's…okay, now? Without someone like James to keep him in check?"

Remus seemed to be trying not to let his face give away his concern. "I couldn't honestly tell you. Keep bringing Andromeda to visit him, though. I think it does him good."

Unable to stop herself, Tonks burst out, "Remus, where are you going this full moon?"

There, she'd caught it: There was a flicker of worry behind his eyes, though the rest of his face remained impassive. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's better if you don't know."

"Please. I'm going to be worrying about you otherwise."

"Dora, it's dangerous information. I wouldn't want anyone to think they had a chance of getting it out of you."

"Re-mus."

"Dora."

They stared at each other a beat too long, and Tonks felt that warmth flaring up between them again, that connection they kept trying to pretend wasn't there. Remus glanced away.

"Please, don't worry about me," he said softly. "I'm an old hand at this."

Tonks squeezed her arms around herself, to keep from reaching out to him. "What if something happens to you? While you're out wherever, whatever-ing?"

"Then Dumbledore will find me," Remus said. When Tonks let out an impatient puff of air, he added, "I know Dumbledore doesn't always show his full hand, but he's watching out for us. I trust him to know where he's sending me and not to ask too much."

Tonks rocked impatiently back onto her heels. "Huh. Wish I could say the same."

"Well, trust me, then. Trust me when I say I know what I'm doing. Can you accept that?"

He met her eyes earnestly, and Tonks sighed. "Please send me an owl as soon as you're back, okay? Will you do that, at least?"

Remus nodded. "I will."

"Okay." Impulsively, she reached out and took his hand. He started a little with surprise, but didn't pull away. "Be safe, Remus," she said. "Take care of yourself. I know you know, but I'm telling you anyway. Don't do anything crazy."

She squeezed his hand in hers and kissed his cheek. Then, embarrassed again, Tonks mumbled her goodbyes and fled back out the door.

– – – – –

(continue to CHAPTER TWELVE)

Comments

[shimotsuki.livejournal.com]

*sigh* Oh, Remus -- blowing hot and cold, indeed. I really like the way their conversation showed exactly how confused he is -- calling her a fool in one breath and sensible in the next, grr. I'm glad Tonks called him out on some of his ridiculousness.

Oh, that image of the two of them looking sadly at each other across Tonks's doorstep -- poignant, and perfectly evocative.

Poor Sirius, mischievous and sullen in turns. I'm glad Andromeda has kept up the visits.

I think the thing I like the most about this chapter, though, is how strong the connection is between Remus and Tonks, even as they're going through some ups and downs. And the way Tonks suddenly understands, even through her anger, just how broken Remus has been -- brrr. And lovely.

[starfishstar]

Thank you! Glad this works, despite Remus being so frustrating. (And, unfortunately, he will continue to be frustrating often!) Trying to strike a balance here of being true to canon, with the ups and downs they surely go through, but without descending into nothing but angst, or creating a really unconscionable relationship that I myself wouldn't want to be advocating...

[shimotsuki.livejournal.com]

Trying to strike a balance here of being true to canon, with the ups and downs they surely go through, but without descending into nothing but angst, or creating a really unconscionable relationship that I myself wouldn't want to be advocating...

Heh. That's exactly the line I'm trying to walk in the Kaleidoscope chapter I'm currently working on (and have been for an embarrassingly long time now). In my ficverse the sticky point comes in early HBP rather than during OotP, but it's exactly these same questions.

And so, I do really like the way you've approached it here.

[starfishstar]

Oh, man, we should totally sit down someday and discuss at length the dynamics-of-writing-Remus-and-Tonks! This is something I think about a LOT. I love the characters of Remus and Tonks, both individually and together, but given what we've got to work with from canon, it can be quite a challenge to write them without it turning into an unhealthy relationship of a sort I would cringe to see a friend of mine in in real life. (And of a sort which I don't in any way want to be advocating, especially knowing how many impressionable young folks read fanfiction, and how much creepy/awful/unhealthy stuff there already is out there!)

Oh, believe me, this was even more of an issue in writing the HBP half of this story. Ugggh, canon, JKR, why.

[shimotsuki.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, we should totally sit down someday and discuss at length the dynamics-of-writing-Remus-and-Tonks!

That would be fun! (If your plans move slowly and you're still in your current city as late as March, we might even have an opportunity, lol.)

When I first started writing R/T, I felt like I understood Remus very well and Tonks not so much. In the course of writing her, though, I've gotten a lot more clear on who I think she is. And yet -- it really can be hard to fit the pieces of canon together when it comes to the nature of their relationship. One thing I am adamant about, though (and I know I'm preaching to the choir here), is that Tonks was not moping in HBP just because she couldn't have the man she wanted. There must have been so much more going on -- like grief, and worry, and overwork, and knowing that Remus actually did love her but was throwing obstacles in their path that didn't actually need to be there.

[starfishstar]

Same! I started writing Remus/Tonks because of how much I love Remus, but have learned so much about Tonks by writing about her.

It's hard to remember at this point (four years later...) but I think writing this story started out of some mixture of 1) curiosity about what the adults were doing "offstage" while the narrative was with Harry; 2) fascination with Remus, obviously; and 3) exactly what you say: a conviction that the snippets JKR shows us in HBP don't line up in the least with Tonks' character as we learned it in OotP, and finding that frustrating, and wanting to do better by Tonks.

My plans have me back in the US by sometime next month, so maybe we'll cross paths on that side of the world someday. :-)

[shimotsuki.livejournal.com]

This is just as much fun on the reread! I'm already up later than I was supposed to be tonight so I could read "just one more chapter". And this time I will actually get to the end, lol.

Anyway, briefly popping in to say:

his eyes full of tender things he wasn't allowing himself to say

...my heart is now lying in several pieces on the floor.

[starfishstar]

Ah, this is lovely of you, thanks for coming through and re-reading + commenting! And sorry for the heart-shattering. :-( Yeah, Remus has a long, long way to go before he's able to say the stuff out loud...