Be the Light in My Lantern, chapter 12

[starfishstar]

BE THE LIGHT IN MY LANTERN

Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (At long last, my Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making!)

Chapter 12: Healing Wounds

Some folks sell their bodies for ten bob a go
Politicians go pawning their souls
Which doesn't make me look too bad, don't you know
Me, with my heart full of holes

–Mark Knopfler, Heart Full of Holes

How many times, Remus wondered fuzzily, as he stared out at the dark countryside flying past the window of yet another overnight train, trying to hold onto his concentration long enough to get himself back to England in one piece.

How many times had he been on missions like this, how many times would he again, meeting werewolves when the moon was full and other unsavoury characters when it wasn't, being one of Dumbledore's many pairs of eyes and ears out there on the ground, trying to turn the tide of something that felt so far beyond his control? How many times would he come back worse for the wear but with nothing to show?

Many, Remus murmured to himself. Because there were those rare times when he did learn something useful, or made a contact who might later prove necessary, and those small successes were too important for him to ever consider giving up. Each one was a tiny bit of recompense to James and Lily; each was a little bit of reassurance he could offer Harry and Sirius and now Tonks, Dumbledore and the rest of the Order, people he cared about too much not to fight for them. Caring too much, maybe that was the root of his problem…

Focus, Remus reminded himself. He couldn't go slipping into unconsciousness now. Who knew where he might end up.

What had he been thinking about? Missions, right, the importance of missions for the Order. Remus would no sooner stop those than he would give up breathing. And breathing was a funny thing, really, a thing that didn't seem to be working for him quite right at the moment, but his head was pounding too much to think about it properly.

Get to England, Remus repeated to himself, then Apparate home. Get to England, then Apparate home.

Stumbling out at St Pancras, clutching the travelling case he'd somehow managed to hang onto the entire trip, Remus slunk into a dim corner and checked one more time that no one was watching, then turned on the spot, trying to concentrate on getting back home safely, and found himself…in front of the door to Tonks' flat.

Well, that's not right, Remus thought. He reeled for a moment, confused about how it had happened, though he was perfectly clear as to where he was.

He considered trying the whole Apparation bit over again, decided he definitely should do so, then didn't do it.

Outside, the sun was rising; Tonks would be getting up for work soon anyway, if she hadn't already. Remus took a deep breath, or what passed for one with the current state of his ribs, and rapped at the door.

He heard someone stumbling towards the door, then the welcome sound of Tonks' voice asking, "Yes? Who is it?"

"It's Remus," he answered, smiling despite himself to know she was just on the other side of that door. "But don't you dare open up until you've asked me a security question. You don't know where I've been and who might have tortured me for information or followed me back."

He could practically hear her rolling her eyes. "The proof you're really Remus is your overblown capacity for worry."

"Dora –"

"I know, I know, I'm trying to think of something, hang on. Okay, got it. What terribly embarrassingly childish game did the two of us once play and in what part of England?"

Remus grinned despite his pounding head and steadied himself with a hand against the door. "Truth or Dare. Sussex."

"Well played, sir, congratulations." He heard her murmur an unlocking spell at the same time as she dropped the Muggle security chain, then slid back a bolt lock. The door swung open and Remus, not ready for the change in his equilibrium, tumbled in, half-falling into Tonks’ arms. The amusement on her face vanished. "Oh, Merlin, Remus, what have they done to you?"

"Nothing that can't be mended," he muttered, as Tonks steered him into her kitchen and parked him on a chair. Remus let his eyes drift shut as her hands moved over him, gentle but sure, checking for injuries. Now he understood why he'd ended up here when he'd thought of being safe…

"Remus. Stay with me." Tonks’ tone was sharp, the fear in her voice snapping him back awake. He opened his eyes and peered up at her.

"Not as bad as it looks," he assured her.

Tonks pursed her lips. "I beg to differ. You need the hospital."

Remus shook his head. "No. Because they’ll ask questions, and I’ll have to explain where I've been, and that would compromise Order security."

Tonks was fixing him with the special glare she reserved for situations in which she felt she should be getting her way, but wasn't.

"Dora, a trained Healer knows how to recognise werewolf scratches."

"Yeah, well, I’m still not going to let you deny yourself medical attention just because of that!" She turned away anxiously, but he reached out and grabbed her hand.

"I'll go to St Mungo's if it turns out it's necessary, I promise. But I'm not going to expire over the course of one day and mostly I just need to rest. Let me wait until tonight, then if you insist, you can take me wherever you see fit. All right?"

She was still glaring. "I suppose you want me to do some amateur Healing and consider that a substitute for the real thing?"

Remus offered her a weak grin. "It’s just that you're so good at it…"

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Mr Lupin." But Tonks sighed and came and knelt in front of him. "You've got some bad lacerations, and a couple of broken ribs wouldn't surprise me." She peered into his eyes. "Did you hit your head, too?"

"Possibly. I don't remember everything."

"When you're in better shape, I'm making you tell me how this happened. You're not getting around it this time."

"That's fair enough."

Tonks looked surprised, but said nothing more as she went to get the small healing kit he knew she was required to carry on Auror missions. She came back and knelt in front of him again, daubing some sort of salve on his face and shoulders. Next, she shook a small vial and pulled out the stopper.

"Skele-Gro," Tonks said. "It tastes foul, but it just might do the trick for your ribs, if they're only fractured. Open up."

Remus opened his mouth obediently and tried to swallow the potion she gave him without shuddering. It wasn't the first time he'd broken bones as an occupational hazard of being a werewolf, and it surely wouldn’t be the last.

He opened his eyes again to find Tonks gazing at him, her eyebrows pulled together in consternation.

He shook his head in response to that look. "Please don't worry so much about me. I've had far worse."

Tonks stood up reluctantly, then placed everything back into her healing kit and set it aside. "I have to get to work. Any later and they'll start wondering about me. But you can rest here. And I'll try to get back early if I can." She paused and fixed him with another sharp stare. "Don't go anywhere, you hear me? Just sleep until I get back."

Remus laughed weakly, a shallow version of the real thing. He could feel his ribcage burning from the Skele-Gro, which was hopefully a good sign. "Do I look like I want to go somewhere?"

"With you, you never know. Here, can you stand up?"

Tonks put an arm around him and gently hoisted him to a standing position. She led him to her bedroom and helped him lie down on the bed, then smoothed the covers over him. Remus was embarrassed and grateful and a host of other emotions he was too tired to examine fully at the moment.

"Dora," he said, as she started towards the door. Tonks paused and looked back. "Thank you."

She cocked her head at him. "You stay put until I get back, or your werewolf buddies will be nothing compared to my wrath."

He smiled, hoping she could see it in the darkened room. "Don't I know it."

"Sleep well, Remus."

Then she was gone from the room, and Remus tried to stay awake long enough to hear her leave the flat, but wasn't entirely sure if he did.

– – – – –

It was dark when Remus awoke. Dusk? Dawn? He had no idea. But he had a foggy recollection that if he moved it would probably hurt, so he didn't.

He was in…a room. A bedroom. The curtains were drawn, which went some of the way towards explaining the dark. The bed was soft and warm, but unfamiliar. He was not at Grimmauld Place, he was fairly sure, unless the house had even more rooms than he knew about.

Very cautiously, Remus began to take stock of his physical condition. Head not pounding – good. He inhaled carefully – his ribs seemed okay. As he exhaled again, Remus became aware of something strange.

There was a hand on his chest.

It was a small, warm hand, slid up under the fabric of his shirt and resting directly against his skin. And if there was a hand on his chest, then there must also be – Remus turned his head fast enough to make it hurt after all.

Yes, Tonks was lying next to him, asleep. Remus' brain, much abused over the past few days, scrambled to make sense of this fact.

He hadn't slept with Nymphadora Tonks and forgotten, had he? Surely he would remember something so important?

The form beside him stirred and the hand on his chest shifted. Tonks opened her eyes and looked at Remus, blinking as she came more fully awake. "Wotcher," she murmured, voice still muted with sleep. She blinked a few more times.

Remus' voice came out in a croak. "Hello, Dora."

Tonks propped herself up on her other elbow and regarded him. "You looked so peaceful there when I got back, I thought I'd join you. I must have dozed off. Did you sleep all day?" Then, correctly interpreting his uncertain expression, she added, "It's evening. I managed to get off work a little bit early, but it must be six by now at least."

Remus nodded slowly, testing the motion. "Then yes. I don't think I woke once."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it. How do you feel?"

"Better. Well, I suppose I won't know for sure until I try standing up."

"Don't," she said. "I mean, you don't have to get up yet."

They both seemed to become aware again at the same moment of her hand on his chest. "Sorry," Tonks mumbled and he thought he saw her blush in the dim light as she began to pull away.

"No, wait," Remus said, digging one of his arms out from the tangle of blankets to find and catch her hand as it retreated. He shifted to face her, as well as he could. "Thank you for looking after me. Especially since I shouldn't really have come here at all. I, er, I did mean to go to Headquarters."

Tonks laughed at that. "I'm glad you came here instead. Can I take it as a sign you haven't ruled me out entirely after all?"

Remus swallowed. "It's not like that. It's not a matter of…not wanting it. If I'm pulling away, it's to try to protect you."

"Which is silly, you know." She slid a little closer and reached out with the hand that wasn't already in his to gently tap his nose. "Silly Remus."

Well. Before he could have a chance to think about it too hard, Remus simply pulled Tonks to him, closed his eyes and gave himself over, let himself press his lips to hers. Her hand squeezed his, then slid up his arm. "How bad are your injuries?" she whispered. "Is this okay?"

He smiled against her cheek. "Everything superb."

Tonks gave a small snort. "Why am I disinclined to believe you?" She sat up and reached both hands around him to gently pull his shirt off, and Remus couldn't help feeling just a little consternation that she did this very much as the disinterested Healer. She fumbled for her wand and lit a candle by the bed, then bent to inspect him again, running her hands over his cuts and feeling his ribs.

"Well," she said, once she’d done so. "You do seem to heal remarkably fast. Take a deep breath." She kept her hands on his ribs as he did so. "Hm, okay. Now look into my eyes." That was an order Remus had no trouble following. Her eyes, though subject to change, were a very deep brown at the moment. "Yeah, seems okay," Tonks said, peering critically at him.

"Does this mean you're not dragging me off to St Mungo's after all?" Remus asked.

Tonks hesitated. "It seems irresponsible, after I saw how you looked this morning."

"But now that you've seen how I look this evening?"

She sighed. "I'm going to be keeping a close eye on you, okay? And don't go running off on any more errands for Dumbledore until you're well and truly healed."

"Whatever you say," Remus promised, and meant it.

Tonks pulled the covers up around his bare shoulders, then slid down under the blanket again herself. Her hand returned to his chest.

"So," she said. "Tell me the story. What happened?"

Remus turned to face her again, trying to pull his focus together despite the delightful distraction of being in such physical proximity. "It's not that exciting a story, when all's said and done," he said. "Doesn't really live up to all the secrecy."

"But still. Please. You said you'd tell me."

"That's true. I did." Remus found his hands fidgeting together, wanting to touch her, but not sure if he dared. Which was silly, of course, since just moments ago he'd been kissing her. Hesitantly, he reached out and rested one hand on her waist. Tonks obligingly shifted closer.

"I'd found out about a major gathering of werewolves," Remus said, pitching his voice softer now that they were so close together. "Which, as you know, is not so uncommon. But this time I had found out that there would be someone there specifically with the intention of recruiting. For the Death Eaters."

"Who was it?"

"Fenrir Greyback."

"Oh, Remus. And he knows who you are, and that you're close to Dumbledore, and he'd know you certainly weren't there because you were looking to join him. Why did you go?"

"It was important to find out what the Death Eaters are telling the werewolves. What they're offering them. I’ve been cautious, on the whole, about approaching gatherings that involve the British werewolf packs, because once they figure out who I am it can mean a bridge that is burned for good. But this was too important to pass up. Dumbledore and I agreed I would go, keep a low profile, learn as much as I could, but get out before it got dangerous."

Tonks’ hand skated gently across his ribs. "You call this getting out before it got dangerous?"

"It could have been far worse. Greyback himself never even saw me. It was only a small group of them, members of his pack, who figured out more or less what I was."

"That you were a spy."

"Well, that I was a little too tame to run with their crowd, at least."

Tonks shook her head. "And you got out of that with just a couple of cracked ribs. Unbelievable. You're a survivor, Remus." She shivered. "I just wish you'd stop getting yourself into situations that you then have to survive."

"I wish I could promise you that, truly. But I can't."

"I know. If you did, you wouldn't be my Remus."

Surprised by that, he responded without thinking. "Am I your Remus?"

"Do you want to be?"

Remus' mouth went dry. That was the question he could never answer both honestly and safely.

"Oh, quick, quick," Tonks burst out. "Just say what you're feeling for once, stop thinking so much first. You're so terrible about thinking all the time."

Remus didn't quite manage to obey that injunction; he couldn’t help but think, when asked a question so crucial.

What he thought about was how his mind had told him to Apparate home, and his heart had brought him here. He thought about how even with the painfully healing ribs and the dizzy head, there was nowhere he would rather be than right there in that moment, in that bed, next to Nymphadora Tonks. He thought about the gentleness of her hands as she had checked him for injuries that morning, how she had cared for him and worried about him, but trusted him enough to let him make the decision that was right for him.

Remus met Tonks' eyes. "The answer to that would be 'Yes'," he said softly. "If this were purely a question of what I would like, with no need to take into account any other factors related to the true state of the world, then my answer would be yes."

"Just incidentally," Tonks told him, her voice quiet but fierce, "my answer is also yes."

Remus couldn't help reaching one hand up to rest against her lovely cheek. "I know."

"So why are we making this so difficult for ourselves again?"

"Well, for one thing –"

"Remus! Shh. That was a rhetorical question."

Tonks had shifted so she was almost directly above him, with one arm propped on either side of him and her head tilted slightly to the side, with an almost quizzical look. Her eyes on him were intent, and so warm.

"Ah, rhetorical. Sorry." Remus wasn't entirely sure anymore what he was saying, distracted as he was by Tonks' face just inches above his, the candlelight casting her heart-shaped face in warm contrasts and making her eyes shine…

"I sometimes think I need to forbid you from thinking or speaking at all," she whispered, lowering herself down against Remus very gently, mindful of his ribs. "Though where's the fun in that, I suppose." She slid one hand up to his cheek. "Let’s put it this way. Would you like it if I kissed you right now?"

"Yes," Remus gasped, and then he gave up on thinking entirely, as Tonks leaned down and pressed her lips to his.

A short time or perhaps a long time later, Remus surfaced from a beautiful daze long enough to say, "Wait."

To her great credit, there was no exasperation evident on Tonks' face as she pulled back, only concern. "What is it?"

"I just…um."

Tonks laughed her gorgeous, carefree laugh and flopped back down on the bed beside him. "Okay, I take it back about saying you shouldn’t speak. You’re allowed to use actual words."

"If I knew what it was I wanted to say," Remus muttered, discomfited by his own apparent inability to string a sentence together. "I think it's just…too fast?"

"Is that a question?"

Remus reached out and found Tonks’ hand. "No, I ­– the thing is – nothing has changed about this. I still want this, and I still think it’s not a good or a safe idea. I don’t want to make a decision now and then end up backing out on you again. I very much don’t want to do that. And I'm afraid…that it's all… Well, let's put it this way: I won't embarrass myself by telling you how long it's been since I've done this, but I might possibly be feeling ever so slightly overwhelmed."

Then Tonks was laughing again and pulling him close, her face buried against the side of his neck. "Oh, Remus, I adore you," she murmured into his skin, then pulled back again so she could meet his eyes reassuringly. "I really – I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing, you'll think I'm laughing at you, and I'm not. I just really think you're wonderful. And I think you can and should have all the time you need. I mean, of course I'm afraid that if I let you go now you'll disappear again, but I can't prevent that later any better than I can do now, so – you should do what you need to do."

"I won't disappear," Remus told her.

"Yeah, well, we’ll see."

"Truly."

She bit her lip. "Then…you could stay here tonight. It doesn't have to be – you know. Just stay and sleep here."

Remus sighed, and he knew she knew what he was going to say. "I should go back. So Sirius doesn't worry, and so I can check on everything at Headquarters."

"So responsible," Tonks said. Remus had barely opened his mouth before she interjected, "And don't apologise. I've already told you it's something I adore about you." She gave him a playful poke in the arm. "Or were you angling to hear me say it again? Very sly, you!"

"I wasn't!" Remus protested, even as Tonks broke into a wicked grin. Because it seemed as reasonable as any other course of action, he pulled her in and pressed one more kiss to her smiling mouth. "I think you're wonderful too," he whispered against her lips, just a little too cowardly to say it while meeting her eyes. "I hope you don't think that I don't."

A small, startled silence met that confession.

"Okay," he continued quickly. "I should probably go before I make a fool of myself."

"Then let's see if you can stand up," Tonks replied, all business again. "If you can't, I'm not letting you leave."

But he could, and she did, leaning in the doorway of her flat to watch him go, with warmth in her eyes.

"And you can take as much time as you need," Tonks whispered, as Remus slipped out into the hallway, grateful and regretful in equal measure, casting a last glance back.

– – – – –

As it turned out, he didn't need long. Remus was back at Tonks’ door the next evening, taking a deep, steadying breath, because his heart knew what it wanted, even if his mind protested.

Her answering smile when she opened the door was all he really needed to see. He let her take his hand, and when she cocked her head towards her bedroom and quirked a questioning eyebrow, he nodded.

“Well, come on then,” she said, grinning.

“What, just like that?” he asked, keeping his tone teasing to cover up the pounding of his heart. “Don’t you have to seduce me first or some such thing?”

“I dunno, do I?”

Remus looked at her expressive eyes and that warm smile. “No,” he said, voice going hoarse. “No, you really don’t.”

“Then start shedding these layers,” Tonks suggested, reaching up to unclasp his cloak. “That’s the first order of business.”

She brushed her lips against his throat where she’d exposed it by pulling the clasps aside, then reached around to slide the cloak from his shoulders. When she turned to hang it on a peg by the door, Remus was still shivering at the sensation of her lips against his skin.

Returning to him, Tonks said softly, “I’ve got nowhere I need to be tonight. You?”

Remus shook his head.

Tonks smiled. “That’s exactly what I was hoping.” She offered her hand again, and Remus reached out and squeezed it. He let her lead him to her bedroom.

Stopping them just inside the doorway, Tonks pulled out her wand and muttered, “Accio candles. C’mon, seriously, where did they go? Accio.”

Finally, a couple of sturdy-looking candles, deep forest green in colour, emerged from beneath a heap of laundry and flew towards Tonks. She released Remus’ hand to catch them, and set them atop a shelf.

“Incendio,” Tonks murmured, then glanced ruefully around the room. “Er, yeah, didn’t expect you to come around again so soon. Probably should have tidied up a bit.” She waved her wand half-heartedly at the pile of clothes, which gave an equally half-hearted flop, before lying still again.

“Dora.” Remus reached out to still her wand hand. “Believe me when I say that as long as you’re here, I could not possibly care less about the surroundings.”

She smiled at him, suddenly looking almost shy. “Yeah?”

“Of course. Although, may I just note: green candles? Candles in my admitted favourite colour, which you just happen to have lying around? Don’t think I didn’t notice that detail.”

Tonks very nearly giggled. “Heh. Yeah. Debated a bit about dark green versus light green, but dark green seemed more…forest-y. Nature-y. Green, like growing things.”

“Lovely,” Remus agreed, but it wasn’t the candles he was looking at.

Tonks laid her wand down on the shelf next to the candles and met Remus’ gaze. For a moment, they just stood and looked, drinking each other in.

“Hi,” Tonks said softly.

“Hello.”

She reached out her hand to him once again, and Remus took it and pulled her close. She tipped her face up, and he kissed her gently.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Tonks whispered, eyes closed and face still tilted towards him.

“Dora,” Remus said.

Her eyes flew open, her gaze questioning.

“I just wanted to say that I, er – I can’t make you any promises, here. We’ve been building up to this a long time, I realise, and I’ve no idea what you expect, but I am…hrm. Out of practice, I suppose you could say. I rather suspect tonight may not be all you hope it will be.”

“Remus.” She threaded both arms around him and squeezed, gazing up into his face. “I’ve got no expectations, okay? Totally, totally zero. There’s no goal, nothing I’m expecting to happen and then I’m going to be horribly disappointed in you if it doesn’t. I just want to be with you in whatever ways are nice and fun and not at all overwhelming. As far as I’m concerned, we can just sit here and snog all night.”

His eyes must have glazed over slightly at that thought, because she chuckled.

“Sounds good, huh? C’mere.” Tonks pulled him close and kissed him hard. Before Remus quite knew what was happening, she was nudging him towards the bed, then he was sitting on the edge of it, with Tonks balanced on his knees and grinning at him.

“Hi,” she said again.

“Hello,” he answered.

Stilling himself to gather the necessary force and focus, mindful of his still-healing ribs, Remus grasped Tonks around the waist and in one smooth motion flipped them both, so that she was on her back on the bed and he was sprawled half across her.

Tonks huffed out a surprised breath of laughter, then said, “Oh, hell yes.” She pulled Remus closer and set about snogging him breathless. “Shirt off?” she murmured against his ear.

“Er – yours or mine?”

“Both.” Tonks wriggled, slipping out of her T-shirt, then reached up to undo Remus’ buttons while he was still distracted by the sight of her bare skin.

She slipped his shirt from his shoulders and dropped it gently over the side of the bed. “Still all right?” she asked.

“Very.” Remus’ eyes were embarrassingly stuck on the sight of Tonks in nothing but a bra. A luridly purple bra. His hand hovered above her, almost afraid to touch. “May I?”

“Yes, please.”

He lowered his hand, slow and careful, and ran one finger along that tantalising curve, from the delicate line of her collarbone down the swell of her purple-clad breast, stopping to cup it gently in his hand.

Tonks sighed, eyes closing, and arched into his touch. “Or you could just do that all night. I’d be fine with that.”

Remus leaned down to press a gentle kiss to the spot where her bra dipped down between her breasts, revealing the pale skin between.

Suddenly, this didn’t seem so difficult. This wasn’t someone he had to prove something to; this was Tonks. His Dora. It was just as she had said – there was no goal but to be here together.

“Oh, I think we can do a bit better than that,” Remus said, smiling.

Tonks’ eyes snapped open.

His hand found the clasp at the centre of her back. “May I?”

She laughed softly, eyes still wide. “Yes.”

Careful but sure, working one-handed, Remus slipped the hook from the eyelet, and Tonks’ answering grin seemed to him the best thing he’d ever seen.

– – – – –

(continue to CHAPTER THIRTEEN...)

Comments

[shimotsuki.livejournal.com]

Aw. AWWW. This is wonderful. Not just that they're finally making some progress, or that Remus is finally letting himself admit how much he wants to have something with Tonks, either -- what really takes my breath away about this chapter is the way it shows just how deeply these two care for each other.

Remus waking up confused, and hoping he hadn't forgotten sleeping with Tonks, was also pretty darn adorable. ;)

And it's very, very telling where Remus ended up when he tried to Apparate to a safe place in his confusion...

[starfishstar]

Yay! Thank you!

And it's very, very telling where Remus ended up when he tried to Apparate to a safe place in his confusion...

Yup yup yup, the heart does know what it wants, doesn't it? ;-)