starfishstar

BE THE LIGHT IN MY LANTERN

Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (At long last, my Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making!)

Notes: Yes, I've changed the title of the story – to "Be the Light in My Lantern" from the old working title "The Beginning of Something." The new title is from a song by Josh Ritter, "Lantern." Josh is one of my all-time favorite songwriters, and this is a song of his that I also sometimes play/perform; it's an anthem of hope and love even in dark times.

Chapter 4: The Captive and the Cousin

It took a long time to
Become the thing I am to you

–The Indigo Girls, Become You

"He's not here," was the first thing Sirius said when he answered the door.

"That's not why I'm here, Sirius," Tonks replied with a roll of her eyes. Then, gathering up whatever shreds of dignity she might have left, she added, "Plus, I have no idea what or who you're talking about. And are you going to let me in or what?"

"Well then, by all means. Be my guest." Sirius stood back to allow her into the house, then sealed the door again behind her.

"Moody said you agreed to look over these documents," she told him, shrugging out of a light travelling cloak. Even in mid-September, there was a bit of a chill in the air. "Data on known Death Eaters, from what I understood. He was hoping you might be able to add some details on the ones who're in Azkaban."

Sirius' face twisted into a moue of distaste, but he took the scrolls from her without comment. "Stay for a cup of tea?" he asked, too casual, and Tonks was acutely aware how lonely it must be in the old house, with the kids gone, Molly and Arthur back at their own home, Remus travelling for the Order. She stayed for tea.

Over the next couple weeks, Tonks started making a point of dropping in on Sirius, always inventing some Order-related pretext so that he could never to accuse her of pity.

As stopping by after work or in a spare moment grew into a habit, she came to feel a certain affection for Sirius' strange old family home, though it felt doubly empty now without the voices of so many young people or the calm, steady presence of Remus, still on extended business for the Order. Grimmauld Place with only Sirius was a darker, more brooding place, the silence of the old rooms more oppressive.

But it was fun, aside from the days when Sirius was in the bleakest of his changeable moods, to get to know this cousin she barely knew a thing about. Tonks' mother didn't like to talk about the darker parts of her family tree and until recently, that assessment had included Sirius.

"My mum would like to see you," she told him one day. She didn't strictly know if this was true. She hadn't had a chance to bring up the idea with her mother, working all the time for both the Order and the Ministry as she did now, but from the wistful way Andromeda referred to Sirius now that she knew he hadn't been a traitor, Tonks thought it a very good bet that she would like to visit, very much, if only there were a way to organise it. And surely it would do Sirius some good to see one of the only members of his family he'd ever liked.

Sirius glanced up at her, eyes wary. "I can't imagine how that would work. Dumbledore is Secret-Keeper for the house. And I'm not allowed to leave it."

In the end, it took a special trip up to Hogwarts on Tonks' part to obtain the written address of Order Headquarters in Dumbledore's hand, with strict instructions to destroy the paper immediately after use. She also had to assure various people that her parents were supporters of the Order, and arrange the whole thing to a very precise and unnecessary level of detail, but in the end she found herself standing on the top step of 12 Grimmauld Place with her mother at her side, rapping lightly in an agreed-upon code that had mercifully taken the place of the overly loud doorbell. A rather genius spell of Moody's now allowed even the quietest of taps at the door to be heard everywhere in the house except in the vicinity of the tyrannical portrait of Sirius' mum.

Then Sirius was there, hurrying them in and closing the door, and a moment later they were all standing in the dimly lit entrance hallway, her mother and her cousin grinning goofy grins at each other.

"Sirius," Andromeda said. "Look at you." She swept him into a hug, mussing up his shaggy hair.

Sirius yelped, "Ow, Dromeda, get off!" And then the two of them began laughing hysterically, gasping for breath, while Tonks simply stood and stared. In all her life, she had never seen her poised and proper mother act so absolutely silly.

"Have to get – downstairs –" Sirius managed. "Away from – stupid portrait –"

He led them down to the kitchen, where both he and Andromeda continued to stare at each other and laugh uncontrollably, clutching their sides and leaning against the table for support. Tonks shook her head and went to make tea.

"Your hair, Sirius," Andromeda gasped.

"It was always long," Sirius retorted.

"You absolute idiot," she said. "You really had me believing – for twelve years –"

"Come on, Andromeda, really? Me? How could you believe that?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Sirius, I should have known, of course, that the whole convicted murderer thing was just you getting yourself into dumb scrapes as usual."

"Ah, Andromeda, I've missed your particularly sympathetic brand of moral support all these years, I really have."

Tonks looked at the two of them leaning there together, co-conspirators in shared history, and was struck by their physical resemblance. It was in their colouring and features, of course, but also some regal aspect to their bearing it seemed no amount of time, prison or disinheritance could erase. She had never so fully appreciated that her mother was, in fact, a Black. Nor how much she must have left behind when she'd chosen Tonks' father over her own family.

Leaving them to their giddy reunion for the moment, Tonks turned to poke through the tea cupboard.

Sirius, she had found, kept an extraordinary array of teas. (Seriously, where did he even get them?) Remus seemed to favour a nice, traditional Darjeeling – and that was always on hand too – but Sirius himself stocked things like lapsang souchong and an unusually spicy masala chai that Tonks suspected of sharing an ingredient or two with Pepperup Potion and which had given her quite the surprise the first time she'd tried it. She honestly hadn't worked out yet whether those teas were actually favourites of Sirius', or if he just liked confusing people.

Now, she brewed her mother and Sirius the spicy chai, just to see if they even noticed, despite being wrapped up in the novelty of their reunion.

They didn't notice.

Tonks grinned to herself, and sipped her own tea – carefully. The steam rising from the cup did look distressingly like smoke.

"The house is as charming as ever, I see," Andromeda was saying. "Walburga always did go for the stark and imposing style of decoration."

"Just be glad you didn't see the place before we spent weeks throwing out everything that wasn't affixed with permanent charms," Sirius told her.

"I can only imagine."

"So, fill me in," Sirius said, finally waking to his surroundings and offering them both a seat. "I fear I may have missed some of the events in your life, just here and there."

Tonks was starting to feel her eyes glaze over, as her mother recounted what seemed to be everything that had ever happened in Tonks' entire lifespan, when they heard footsteps on the ground floor above.

"Sirius?" came Remus' voice.

Tonks coughed to disguise an involuntary grin. Something about the idea of her mother and Remus meeting suddenly struck her as hilarious.

There were footsteps on the stairs, then Remus appeared in the doorway, blinking as he looked round at each of them. He cast Tonks a brief, unreadable glance, as his hands rose automatically to smooth his hair.

"Andromeda," he said.

"Remus," Tonks' mother replied warmly, rising and going to the doorway to enfold him in a hug.

"Wait," Tonks said. "You know each other?"

"Of course," her mother answered, tugging Remus into the room and steering him into a seat at the table. "I can't count the number of times Sirius showed up on my doorstep during school holidays – usually at completely inappropriate hours, I might add, and usually because he'd done something to throw his mother into a rage – and often as not, he brought one or another of his friends along. Although he turned up less often once he finally left this place for good and went to stay with James' family."

"You lived with James' parents?" Tonks asked Sirius, struggling to catch up. "As in, Harry's grandparents?"

"Indeed, and I'm sure they wished, once they took me in, that they'd left me at your mother's mercy after all," Sirius chuckled. "James and I in combination were a holy terror."

"Well, thanks everybody for keeping me in the dark about everything," Tonks grumbled. Then she narrowed her eyes at Remus. "Wait a minute. Have we met before?"

"Er –"

"Have we?"

"Only in passing, I would say."

"And were you ever going to get round to mentioning that we actually already knew each other – it's just that I was too young to remember? Because, you know, that happens all the time: make a new acquaintance, find out they've actually known you since you were in nappies…"

It was just too easy to discomfit Remus Lupin, Tonks thought, and way too much fun. But he looked so penitent over his accidental deception, she had to take pity on him.

"I'm teasing, Remus," she said, laughing. Sirius joined in the laughter, then Andromeda, then finally Remus, and they moved on to talk about other things, though Remus continued to look rather charmingly flustered.

"I should be getting home," Andromeda said a while later, with regret. "But I'll visit again." She rose and went to stand by her cousin, resting a hand on his head and gazing down at him fondly. "Little Sirius."

Tonks stifled a snort.

"You may laugh, Nymphadora Tonks, but I remember when this one was just a wee lad, and you weren't even thought of yet."

Sirius stood up too, looking mildly embarrassed. "You're not going to start telling childhood anecdotes, are you?"

"No," Tonks' mother promised. "I'll save that for another time." She gazed at Sirius. "Do take care of yourself this time, would you?"

He managed half a smile. "I try."

"I honestly thought I'd never see you again."

"Oh, it's harder than that to kill a Black, Dromeda."

"Let's hope you're right." She hugged him again and kissed both his cheeks. "Be a good boy, Sirius. Nice to see you again, Remus. And Nymphadora, do think about dropping by one of these days, before your father and I forget what our only child looks like."

"Sorry, Mum," Tonks muttered, cheeks flaming. She looked defiantly at Remus and Sirius, daring them to tease her for her ridiculous name and her mother's babying. Sirius didn't seem to notice, but she thought she saw Remus smirk at her, ever so slightly.

They all saw Andromeda out the front door in the waning evening light, but within seconds after the door had closed behind her, Sirius managed to disappear into the recesses of the house so discreetly, Tonks barely saw him go. She wasn't sure whether to be annoyed that Sirius was being really very obvious about trying to leave her alone together with Remus – or annoyed that it didn't matter because Remus never seemed to notice anyway.

Then Tonks looked up and found herself alone with Remus for the first time in weeks, and found she wasn't sure how to proceed.

"You must be tired," she said, wondering if she should leave and let him settle in here again.

He shrugged, reaching for the travelling case he'd leaned up against the wall in the entryway. "I do need to unpack, but you're welcome to stay and provide company." He looked uncertain. "If you like, I mean."

Tonks shrugged too, trying not to sound too eager. "Sure."

She followed him to the second storey bedroom he used when he was at Grimmauld Place, watching as he set the case in the middle of the floor and bent to undo the clasps. As soon as he was thus distracted, she pounced: "So, was I cute as a baby?"

Remus groaned. "I'm sorry, I probably should have said something –"

"Did you ever, I don't know, help change my nappies or something?"

"Nym – Tonks, please, it's embarrassing enough as it is." He was still bent over, fiddling with the clasps.

"Oh? Why is it embarrassing?"

"Well, I suppose it seems a bit odd, since we're… colleagues of a sort, now."

Tonks' stomach swooped with disappointment, and she realised she'd been hoping he'd say something more than just "colleagues." But, It seems a bit odd to talk about having known you when you were a baby, seeing as I fancy you now would have been a bit much to hope for, wouldn't it?

Merlin's beard, when had she started hoping Remus fancied her?

Remus gave a rueful laugh. "Sorry. I promise I wasn't trying to hide any dark, mortifying secrets," he said. "Although, there was that one time you threw an entire bowl of spaghetti at Sirius…"

"Ooh, don't give me ideas!" Tonks said, and Remus laughed, a real laugh this time.

"Anyway," she said, "you haven't answered my question."

"Which was…?"

"Was I a cute baby?"

"Oh, seriously, you're not going to make me do this, are you?" There, he was blushing, wasn't he? Just a tiny bit.

"Why are you dodging? Was I really that ugly?"

"No. You were…quite adorable, in fact. As a baby and a toddler."

She dropped into the room's one available armchair. "That's a bit creepy, Remus."

He glared at her half-heartedly. "All right, I take it back, you were a terribly ugly baby, Tonks. Satisfied?"

She grinned at him. "Yes, perfectly. Thank you. Now, can I help you unpack or something?"

He waved a hand. "Oh, no. Keeping me company is more than enough."

As she watched him remove his few belongings from the suitcase and set them carefully back in their places in the room, Tonks couldn't keep her most burning question from tumbling from her lips. "So am I allowed to ask where you were this time?"

He paused to look at her, seeming to consider how much he was allowed to reveal. "I imagine, actually, that you could guess."

"Something to do with werewolves, obviously," Tonks said, and she thought she saw him flinch slightly at the casual way she said it. "I got that much."

"Yes," he said. "Essentially, seeking out packs in as many places as possible, trying unobtrusively to get a sense of where they stand, which way they might lean, if it comes to that. Trying to find out if Death Eaters have made contact with them, and what they think about that. And very occasionally, in a group that seems receptive enough, trying to present our point of view and perhaps even convince a few of them if I can, though unfortunately that's very rare."

"Packs?" Tonks asked, stuck on that word. It called to mind roving wild animals, not people.

"Yes. Werewolves generally live and travel in packs."

"But they only transform once a month, don't they?"

He paused in the flawless refolding of a flawlessly folded shirt. "Most werewolves don't live very human lives, even when in human form. They're fairly savage, but they have a distinct hierarchical order. Much like dogs or…true wolves."

"Is that innate to being a werewolf, somehow? Or, I don't know, something they pick up from each other? Why do they all live together, anyway? I mean – er, you don't." She stopped, wondering if she was being horribly insensitive again. Most likely.

He sat on the bed, suitcase forgotten, giving her his full attention. "The thing you have to understand, N – Tonks – is that I'm not like almost any other werewolf. Not because I'm special or better, only because I was given opportunities most never had. My parents fought tooth and nail for me to be able to live in wizarding society. And Dumbledore took me on at Hogwarts, for which most people would have said he was mad. Most werewolves never go to school, they never integrate. At least not the ones who are bitten as children. They find their way to a pack and live werewolf lives."

"By choice?"

"Is it really a choice? They've been ostracised already, so yes, most turn their backs on human society willingly. In some cases, if they're still young, it's even their parents who send them away to a pack. I suppose they think they'll be happier there. Or at least less of a danger to everyone else."

"No. How could they do that?"

"What would you do? With a child that would now turn into a man-eating monster once a month for the rest of its life?"

"I wouldn't cast my child out, that's for sure!"

He gave her a rueful smile. "That's easier said than done."

"Your parents didn't."

"And I am deeply grateful, but I'm sure they sometimes wished they had."

"You can't mean that."

"Having a little werewolf under foot doesn't exactly make for a happy home life. It doesn't make the parents the most popular folks in town, either."

Tonks bit back hard against all the things she wanted to say, since any of them would probably come out sounding like an insult to Remus' parents, and that wasn't what she meant. Instead, she asked, "And it's always the full moon, isn't it? When you're away visiting these werewolf packs."

"It's the best time to catch them all together and at their most receptive. It's a bit of…a celebration, for them." He grimaced. "To come and be savage together. They enjoy it."

"You don't like going."

He seemed to burst out before he could stop himself. "Would you like having to make friends with people who think mauling other people is fun?"

For a moment, they stared at each other.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said –"

"I shouldn't have snapped –"

"I'm being an idiot. You don't want to talk about it, I should have realised that. We can talk about something else."

"No, no, it's fine. I'm just not used to trying to describe this. But it's important to me that you understand…I'm not sure you realise fully what it is I am."

"Remus, you're clearly one of the kindest people I've ever met, and I really don't care about anything else."

"It's not that simple."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's –" He stopped himself, paused to take a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to argue with you. These are things I feel strongly about, but I don't mean to be combative."

Tonks wanted to apologise again for bringing up the subject at all, but she could tell he would only wave off any apology she attempted. "Thanks for being willing to talk about it," was all she could think to say.

He nodded, looking lost in thought. Then he said, "May I ask you something?"

Tonks looked over at him in surprise at his serious tone. "Yeah, of course."

"How did you – I mean, when did you find out that I…am what I am? That I'm a werewolf? It's never come up, but I had the sense you knew before we met."

"Yeah, I think Moody mentioned it, when he told me about the Order."

Remus was staring at her. "You think it was Moody who mentioned it. You don't remember."

"No, I mean, I guess it could have been someone else. Maybe Sirius said something."

"And how did you feel when you learned that?"

"What am I supposed to feel about it? It's just a fact."

Remus put his hands on his head, very much as if he were trying to keep something from exploding out of it. In a measured voice, he said, "But that's not possible. You must have had some reaction when you first heard, even if only for a moment. How did you feel about joining an organisation that had a known werewolf in it?"

"I guess if anything, I felt bad for you, because obviously that's a horrible thing for anyone to have to deal with. Like, you know, Oh, poor guy, that must be awful. But honestly, I was probably too excited to be joining the Order at all to be paying much attention to details."

Remus was shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but I find that hard to believe. Everyone has a reaction of some sort. Even Sirius reacted, when he first found out, back at school. The Weasleys certainly reacted. Even Mad-Eye Moody reacted! You can't honestly tell me you learned something like that and didn't react."

"Look," Tonks said, finally losing patience with all this self-flagellating. "Remus, think for just a second about who my parents are. A pureblood witch who left her family and let them disown her for the sake of the Muggleborn guy she fell in love with, and a Muggleborn wizard who started his life in the magical world right when pureblood prejudice was at its very, very worst. I got it drilled into me all my life that all people are equal, that you never judge someone for who they are or where they came from. You think I'm seriously going to think badly of somebody because of a medical condition they can't help?"

Remus was staring at her, the intensity of his attention on her making Tonks' cheeks burn. "You are a wonder," he said, very softly.

Looking back at him, Tonks finally ran the things he'd said – Everyone has a reaction. You must have had some reaction. – through her brain and winced.

Obviously there was a good reason he was having trouble understanding her lack of concern about this. Clearly he'd met with negative reactions throughout his life, over and over and over, and been conditioned to believe no one would ever accept him as he was. And here she was, snapping at him over it.

"Remus –" she started.

"It's fine," he interrupted, with a brittle smile. "I shouldn't have asked. I was simply surprised that it's never come up in the time I've known you, that's all."

"Remus," she tried again, not sure what she would say.

"Nymphadora – Tonks – look, isn't there some kind of compromise we can reach about your name?"

"A compromise about my name?" she asked, distracted despite herself.

"I understand, yes, 'Nymphadora' is dreaded and unspeakable, but I keep tripping over calling you just 'Tonks'. Surely we can find some middle ground."

"My dad –" Even as she heard herself saying it, she couldn't quite believe her ears. "My dad…calls me Dora."

"Does that mean I'm allowed to call you Dora?"

Slowly, almost unwilling: "…Yes."

He gave her a quizzical look. "Does it really?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then. Dora."

For a moment, they both just listened to how that sounded.

Then she said, "Yes, Remus?"

He laughed. A real laugh, finally. "And now I've forgotten what I meant to say."

"All the better," she said, with a relieved exhale. "Let's talk about something else."

But when she caught Remus surreptitiously hiding a yawn not long after that, she stood up and insisted on leaving him in peace, despite his protestations.

He saw her downstairs and opened the door, then peered out into the night, frowning first at her and then into the darkness. "Perhaps I should see you to your door."

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Remus, I'm an Auror! Looking after myself in dangerous situations is literally my job."

"Yes, but still."

"Your concern is touching, but you do realise, don't you, that in a duel between the two of us, I'd win?"

His smile at her was such a sweet thing, gently crinkling up the corners of his eyes. "Oh, I'm well aware of that, I assure you."

"Well, then."

"All right."

Tonks cast about for something to say. "I'll be back soon, I'm sure. I always seem to be underfoot here, just ask Sirius."

"All right." It surprised her to see Remus similarly tongue-tied. But then, the conversation they'd just had hadn't been the easiest of things.

"Good night, then," she said.

"Good night, Dora. Get home well."

She hovered awkwardly another moment then, before she could think about it too much, reached over and gave him a hug before hurrying down the steps, feeling her face flush. She didn't dare look back before she turned on the spot and Disapparated.

– – – – –

(continue to CHAPTER FIVE)

Note: Just thought I'd mention here my story "Forget this Tapestry," which is another time Andromeda visits Sirius at Grimmauld Place, and in the overall timeline would fall at some point after this chapter. "Forget this Tapestry" is part of a series called "La Ronde Noire," about the Black family cousins and their interactions, if you're interested in that!