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Fandom: Cabin Pressure

Summary:

Arthur has just found out that Martin is Jewish! And that today is a Jewish holiday!!
Clearly, it's time for the dauntless Cabin Pressure crew to celebrate...no matter that they're currently midair somewhere above the Pacific Ocean.

Characters: Arthur Shappey, Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, Martin Crieff, Douglas Richardson

Words: 1,400

Notes: For yishaqeni for Purimgifts 2023.

Dear yishaqeni, your Cabin Pressure prompts were so marvelous that they absolutely required a fic in response. I hope you enjoy! Chag Purim sameach. :-)

Additional notes as I'm posting this on Dreamwidth:

Believe it or not, despite being the most massive fan, I've never written a Cabin Pressure fic before! The brilliant John Finnemore is such a hard act to follow, so I never felt the urge. But then in this year's Purimgifts sign-ups, someone gave the most marvelous prompts about the MJN crew celebrating Purim. So I wrote this as a Purimgifts treat.

Read on AO3, or here below:

PAGO PAGO (CABIN PRESSURE AT PURIM)

SCENE 1

INT. A VERY SMALL AEROPLANE, AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN AS ‘GERTI’.

FX: BING-BONG!

ARTHUR: (IN AN URGENT WHISPER OVER THE PLANE’S INTERCOM) Douglas! Douglas, I need to speak to you at the back of the plane, stat! Over and out. Do you read me?

FX: FLIGHT DECK DOOR OPENING.

DOUGLAS: (WHO HAS JUST STUCK HIS HEAD OUT THE FLIGHT DECK DOOR) Yes, Arthur?

ARTHUR: (STILL OVER THE INTERCOM, STILL IN AN URGENT WHISPER) No, at the back of the plane! Not here!

DOUGLAS: (HEAVING A SIGH) Martin, I’ll leave you to finish up the pre-flight checklist. It appears I have been summoned.

ARTHUR: (INTERCOM) Thanks, Douglas! See you there! Okay! Bye! See you soon!

FX: FOOTSTEPS, AS TWO PEOPLE WALK THE LENGTH OF THE PLANE, THEN STOP.

DOUGLAS: Yes?

ARTHUR: (STILL SPEAKING IN AN URGENT WHISPER) Douglas! I just found out: Martin is Jewish!

DOUGLAS: …Yes?

ARTHUR: And today is… (FX: RUSTLING OF PAPER) Purr-ihm? Poor-eem? …It’s a Jewish holiday that starts with ‘P’.

DOUGLAS: (WITH OBNOXIOUSLY FLAWLESS PRONUNCIATION, OF COURSE) Ah, yes. Purim. The festival of ‘lots’, a commemoration of the bravery of Queen Esther and a celebration of the survival of the Jewish people.

ARTHUR: Yes, that! It’s Martin’s holiday and we have to celebrate.

DOUGLAS: Arthur. We’re currently in Pago Pago.

ARTHUR: Yes.

DOUGLAS: And we are about to embark on a 19-hour cargo flight back to London.

ARTHUR: Yes! Which means we have lots of time to celebrate!

FX: DOOR TO THE AEROPLANE FROM THE OUTSIDE IS FLUNG OPEN.

CAROLYN: All right, my pilots of variable competence levels! The cargo is loaded and we’re ready to go.

* * * * *

SCENE 2

INT. FLIGHT DECK.

MARTIN: …Erm…Tahiti to Waikiki?

DOUGLAS: Oh, very good! Of course, all the while listening to a song by Saweetie and playing an in-flight movie featuring Taika Waititi.

MARTIN: Yes, I suppose so.

DOUGLAS: Whilst serving a meal of baked ziti and perhaps a scotch that’s peaty.

MARTIN: Yes, all right.

FX: FLIGHT DECK DOOR FLUNG OPEN.

ARTHUR: Martin!

MARTIN: (PANICKED) What! Who! Where! What!!!

DOUGLAS: (HIS TONE AT ITS VERY DRIEST) Easy there, Captain.

MARTIN: Arthur, you startled me! What do you want?

ARTHUR: Sorry, Skip! It’s nothing, actually, not anything at all. I just need you to look over there for a minute.

MARTIN: …You want me to look in the direction of travel of the aeroplane I’m currently piloting? The direction in which I was already looking, before you demanded my attention away from my responsibilities as captain of this vessel?

ARTHUR: Yes, that’s right! Just look over there for a minute and definitely not over here.

FX: VARIOUS RUSTLING NOISES, OCCASIONALLY INTERSPERSED WITH EXASPERATED NOISES FROM DOUGLAS.

ARTHUR: Okay, all done! Enjoy your flight! Bye!

* * * * *

SCENE 3

INT. MAIN CABIN OF GERTIE.

CAROLYN: No, Arthur, in point of fact you are failing to understand me. I do not want to wear a silly hat.

ARTHUR: Oh, but Mum! You have to!

CAROLYN: I am the CEO and sole proprietor of this business. I do not ‘have to’ do anything I do not choose to do.

ARTHUR: But, Mum, it would make Skip so happy. And it’s—well, it’s a holiday I still can’t pronounce, but I know it starts with ‘P’.

CAROLYN: And what a feat that is. Is it, perhaps, Pester-Your-Mother Day? Or is it Persistently-Irritating-Flight-Steward Eve?

ARTHUR: No, none of that. But it is, er…puh-rehm. Mum, it’s a holiday!

CAROLYN: Oh, all right.

* * * * *

SCENE 4

INT. THE MUFFLED, CLOSE QUARTERS OF THE PLANE’S GALLEY. THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE IS SPOKEN IN INTENSE WHISPERS.

ARTHUR: No, like this, Douglas! You have to fold it over so it has three sides.

DOUGLAS: You’re mistaken, Arthur, this does have three sides. Carolyn, on the other hand—what is that you’ve created there? A dog’s biscuit?

CAROLYN: Perhaps you need your eyes examined, Douglas. I can’t imagine how you fail to see that this pastry is in the shape of a three-cornered hat.

ARTHUR: No, Mum, not like that, it’s supposed to be—

CAROLYN: Excuse me, Arthur, I know how to bake a biscuit! I have been baking since before you were born!

MARTIN: (MUFFLED, HIS VOICE COMING THROUGH THE FLIGHT DECK DOOR) What are you all doing out there?

ARTHUR, CAROLYN, DOUGLAS: (IN UNISON) Nothing!

* * * * *

SCENE 5

INT. FLIGHT DECK AND THE RATHER CROWDED ENTRYWAY THERETO.

ARTHUR: Ahem!

MARTIN: Aah! Arthur, you startled me again. What are you doing? …Oh. Is that—wait—why are you in fancy dress?

ARTHUR: (AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS, WHICH IS VERY LOUD INDEED) We now present: a reading of the meg—megee—the thing that starts with ‘M’!

DOUGLAS: (SOTTO VOCE) Also known as the Book of Esther.

ARTHUR: Yes! That! Take it away, Mum!

CAROLYN: Well. I shall be performing this ‘reading’ as cobbled together from the few details Douglas and I were able to recall from memory and I shan’t be held accountable for any lack of accuracy.

ARTHUR: Get on with it, Mum!

CAROLYN: All right, all right. …This story takes place in Persia. We think. There was a king with a long name that Douglas says sounds a bit like a sneeze, but I don’t believe him.

DOUGLAS: (SOTTO VOCE) It does.

CAROLYN: Hush, measly peon. Regardless: There was a king in Persia, or somewhere similar to Persia, who had an evil vizier named Ha— (THE REST OF CAROLYN’S SENTENCE IS OBSCURED BY THE FOLLOWING)

FX: A CACOPHONY OF CLATTERING, BANGING, ETC. IT SOUNDS QUITE PROBABLE THAT, AMONG OTHER THINGS, SOMEONE IS HITTING AN EXPOSED BIT OF METAL WITH A DRINKS TRAY. SOMEONE ELSE IS DEFINITELY BLOWING HARD ON A LIFE VEST WHISTLE.

ARTHUR: (YELLING OVER THE NOISE) Here, Skip! We made you a grogger!

MARTIN: (ALSO YELLING) It’s an old water bottle with dried up bits of pretzels in it?

ARTHUR: (ENORMOUSLY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF) Yes!

CAROLYN: (AS THE CLATTERING AND BANGING FINALLY PETERS OUT) As I was saying, this very bad man advised the king to kill all the Jews.

ARTHUR, DOUGLAS, MARTIN: (ACCOMPANIED BY SOME ENTHUSIASTIC RATTLING OF PRETZEL BITS INSIDE A WATER BOTTLE) Boooo!

CAROLYN: But hark! There was also a young Jewish woman named Esther.

ARTHUR, QUICKLY JOINED BY DOUGLAS AND MARTIN: Yay!!!

CAROLYN: Esther rose to become the queen of Persia. And good on you, Esther, I say.

ARTHUR: Skip, Mum is dressed as Queen Esther. Can you tell? From her fancy hat?

MARTIN: Is the hat…an air sick bag?

ARTHUR: Yes!

CAROLYN: And Queen Esther was advised by her uncle—we think it was her uncle—but definitely a man named Mordecai.

ARTHUR: I’m Mordecai! You can tell by my beard!

MARTIN: Yes, that’s—well—that’s a very creative use of a serviette, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Thank you!

DOUGLAS: (CLEARS THROAT) And of course I am…

FX: AGAIN, AN ENORMOUS CACOPHONY BEFORE DOUGLAS CAN EVEN SAY THE WORD.

CAROLYN: And Esther went to the king and convinced him not to kill the Jews! And while she was at it, she denounced the evil—

FX: LOTS MORE JOYFUL RACKET.

CAROLYN: —and in the end he was killed in place of the Jews. Phew. There. I think we’ve made it through the story.

ARTHUR: And now…snacks!

FX: OFFICIOUS RUSTLING NOISES.

MARTIN: Oh, they’re—well—what are they?

ARTHUR: (WITH GREAT PATIENCE) They’re hamantaschen, Skip.

DOUGLAS: With apologies, Martin, they’re made from some stale biscotti, crushed up in water and mixed into a paste, then folded around packets of marmalade and warmed over one of the heating vents.

MARTIN: Oh—wow.

ARTHUR: And…I know people sometimes drink alcohol for this holiday, but obviously you can’t drink while you’re flying a plane, Skip, so I found some empty Talisker miniatures and refilled them with pineapple juice. There’s one for each of us. And Douglas even resealed them with nail varnish so they’ll sound just like the real thing when we open them!

MARTIN: Wow, Arthur, that’s—that’s actually really sweet of you. Thank you.

FX: CLINKING OF BOTTLES, THEN THE SEALS BEING BROKEN.

MARTIN: L’chaim!

ARTHUR: And happy, er—

MARTIN: Purim. Or you can also say ‘chag Purim sameach’.

ARTHUR: Chag Purim sameach.

MARTIN: …Wait. That was actually very good.

ARTHUR: (VERY PATIENTLY) Obviously I can say it correctly if you say it first.

MARTIN: Well, then, chag Purim sameach!

ALL: Chag Purim sameach!

FX: MINIATURE TALISKER BOTTLES CLINK GAILY TOGETHER.

UP AND OUT.