starfishstar | The Adventure of the Blue Carb Uncle (NRK "Oklahomo" Sherlock parody)

THE ADVENTURE OF THE BLUE CARB UNCLE

Fandom: Underholdningsavdelingen (NRK / Norwegian TV) “Oklahomo” Sherlock parody

Summary: Holmes and Watson take a case that involves a goose, a hat and the colour blue. Or at least one of those things.

Characters: Sherlock Holmes/John Watson

Words: 800

Notes: A Holmestice treat for

deelaundry. [How excited was I that someone finally requested this wonderfully silly fandom for Holmestice!!]

Read on AO3, or here below:

INT. 221B BAKER STREET - DAY

SHERLOCK HOLMES lounges on the sofa wearing a sexy purple shirt. On his arm are seventeen nicotine patches. He stares intently, in extreme close-up, at a flimsy paper hat such as may be pulled from a Christmas cracker. JOHN WATSON enters.

HOLMES
If a church bell tolled at midnight, would marmots begin to acquire a system of governance?

WATSON
What?

HOLMES
The fanciest picnic hampers are those which no astronaut has ever succeeded in refashioning into the shape of an albatross.

WATSON
(pointing at the paper hat)
Does this have to do with the hat?

HOLMES
Say that again whilst standing on one foot.

WATSON
(standing on one foot)
Does this have to do with the hat?

HOLMES
No. No no no no no no no. It works better with the moustache.

Holmes digs frantically behind the sofa and emerges with an enormous paper moustache attached to a stick.

HOLMES
Hold this in front of your face and sing it to the tune of ‘Wonderful World’ by Sam Cooke.

WATSON
(holding the costume moustache and singing to the tune of the lyrics
‘Don’t know much about history / Don’t know much biology . . . ’)
What is the meaning of the hat you hold?
Is it a clue in a case gone cold?

Watson sets the moustache aside.

HOLMES
Yes! Very good, Watson, very good. You’ve cracked the case.

Holmes leaps to his feet and speaks rapid-fire. As he does so, the following words appear onscreen in the vicinity of the paper hat, which Holmes still holds very close to his face: COLD. WINTER. SOURDOUGH STARTER. ILLOGICAL LEAP OF DEDUCTION.

HOLMES (CONT’D)
It’s cold because it’s Christmas. Christmas is in winter. Winter is a season. Seasons make me think of wood, which makes me think of cricket, which makes me think of artisanal sourdough starter. Therefore, the person who dropped this hat is a man of approximately five feet and eleven inches who follows a high-carbohydrate diet and has two nieces and a nephew.

Holmes looks at Watson expectantly.

WATSON
Oh! Yes. Very clever deduction, Holmes.

HOLMES
(sombrely)
Your compliment makes my insides feel squiggly like a circus clown. Shall we do a jumping kiss until Mrs Hudson complains about the noise?

Holmes and Watson jump up and down, occasionally managing to get their lips to meet in the same area at the same time, for several minutes. This continues until a thumping noise indicates a broom being hit against the ceiling below.

MRS HUDSON (O.S.)
Oi!

HOLMES
Good, check that off our list. Now it’s time to return the goose to its rightful owner.

WATSON
The goose?

HOLMES
Of course, the goose. Keep up, Watson. The goose is what began this whole adventure. If I excavated a tunnel for several miles beneath this flat, would you feel drawn to eat falafel or would your ancestors be mice rather than Australopithecines?

WATSON
I . . . I don’t know.

HOLMES
Good.
(bellowing towards the door of the flat)
Mrs Hudson! Bring the goose!

MRS HUDSON appears in the doorway.

MRS HUDSON
What are you on about?

HOLMES
I meant the client, bring the client. I always get those two confused.

MRS HUDSON
I’m not your doorman, dear. But just this once.

Mrs Hudson leaves the flat and then returns with the CLIENT. The client has no lines of dialogue. He looks baffled.

HOLMES
(to Watson)
This is our client. He lost a paper hat, but I found it. Case closed. Goodbye.

Holmes shoves the paper hat on the client’s head and steers him out the door.

WATSON
That was the man who has nieces and nephews and likes carbohydrates?

HOLMES
Yes. Your ability to parrot everything I say pleases me.

WATSON
What about blue?

HOLMES
What?

WATSON
Didn’t you say something about blue?

HOLMES
I don’t think I said something about blue. Did you say something about blue?

WATSON
Well, now you’ve said something about blue, too.

MRS HUDSON
(helpfully)
Perhaps it’s a clue?

WATSON
Maybe it was the title that said blue.

HOLMES
You raise an interesting conundrum, small man. The wrinkles of your face put me in mind of racehorses after a sunshower in Oklahoma. Or as I like to call it, Okladokleyokleyo. Let’s assume the client was wearing a shirt in a shade of cyan and all three of us happened not to notice.

WATSON
That seems reasonable.

HOLMES
Jumping kiss?

MRS HUDSON
Not again!

Holmes and Watson resume jumping and kissing. Under his breath, Holmes hums the lines ‘Don’t know much about a science book / Don’t know much about the French I took . . . ’ Mrs Hudson shakes her head fondly and leaves the flat, pulling the door closed behind her. Fade to black.

THE END

The Adventure of the Blue Carb Uncle (NRK "Oklahomo" Sherlock parody)

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