Be the Light in My Lantern, chapter 7

[starfishstar]

BE THE LIGHT IN MY LANTERN

Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (At long last, my Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making!)


Chapter 7: Feeling the Pull


And I'm feeling the pull
Dragging me off again
And I'm feeling so small
Against that big sky tonight

–The Swell Season, Feeling the Pull

Remus stared distractedly into the wardrobe of the bedroom he used at 12 Grimmauld Place, not really seeing the pullovers and robes in front of him. He meant to be finding something warm to wear for this midnight rendezvous with Bill's contacts, but his mind was wandering.

What on Earth are you thinking? Remus demanded to himself. Nymphadora Tonks is not interested in a damaged man like you, surprisingly high tolerance level for socialising with werewolves not withstanding. It would never occur to her to think that way – she's twenty-two years old, practically a kid! Although if he was being honest with himself, Tonks with her wisdom and humour reminded him not in the least of a child. She had an Auror's toughness, paired with that irresistible smile, and her infectious kindness and good cheer…

But all that was irrelevant. Remus enjoyed his conversations with Tonks and she seemed to enjoy them as well, but that was all there was too it. There was no need for this odd edginess he felt in the face of a nighttime mission with her. They were friends, that was all, and he valued her friendship very much.

Even he did find himself sharing with her things he rarely told anyone, the confidences flowing easily because of the whole-hearted way she listened.

Remus gave himself a good shake, and thought, That's enough. He pulled on a pullover at random, then his winter robes, and hoped Tonks too had thought to dress warmly.

At 11.30 – Remus' own insistence, that they be early, just in case – he concentrated on Bill's description and Apparated to a country lane on the South Downs.

"Wotcher, Remus," came Tonks' voice. He reached out to touch her shoulder, which seemed to elicit a smile, although it was hard to tell in the dark.

"Ready for adventure?" she asked.

"I think it's going to be rather less adventure and more sitting round and waiting," he cautioned.

"Not a problem, I'm good at waiting."

Remus had to smile to himself, because he knew just how patently untrue that was.

Tonks lit the tip of her wand and they set off into the agreed-upon field, harvested but still bearing a thin stubble of wheat. Remus could just make out their breath in the chilly air.

"Bill said they might be pretty late, if they get held up somewhere along the way," Remus warned Tonks, already worrying she would grow tired of hours of his enforced company.

She shrugged. "Have you got somewhere more important to be?"

"No! I didn't mean –"

But she was already laughing, a bright, sharp sound in the cold air. "I'll race you!" she cried and tore off across the field.

When Remus, trying to appear collected and not out of breath, reached where Tonks was waiting in the middle of the field, he unfurled a blanket he'd shrunk and stored in a pocket of his robes, then spread it out on the ground.

"Good thinking," she agreed, as they settled onto it.

"And tea for the wait," he said, producing a Thermos from another pocket.

"Merlin's beard, a Thermos!" she shrieked. "Where did you find this? Not in Sirius' house, for sure. Oh, I haven't seen one of these in years, not since Dad's last one broke. Mum always said there was no point to them, when a warming charm works just as well."

Remus smiled at the delight she could take in such a simple thing. "My mother swore by them. She was Muggle-born too."

"Are your parents –" She looked hesitant. "What happened to your parents?"

"Just normal wizarding diseases. Nothing dramatic. The stress of taking care of me all those years wore on my mother and eventually she took ill. My father died just a couple years ago."

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

"Thank you."

There was a pause, then she added, "I guess I can see why you said it might have been easier on them to send you away as a child."

He shook his head. "I shouldn't have said that. It was unfair of me to suggest they ever thought that way."

They were silent for a bit, and Remus noticed Tonks shivering slightly. Before he could let himself think about it too hard, he reached out and put an arm round her. This is just a friendly gesture, he reminded himself.

"Better?" he asked. She nodded, and indeed she did seem to have stopped shivering, though she wasn't quite looking at him.

Time passed. They drank some tea.

Tonks looked at her watch, and groaned to see it was only barely midnight. "Maybe we should play a game to pass the time," she suggested.

Remus twisted to look at her, having to adjust the just-friendly arm still around her shoulders to do so. "What did you have in mind? You didn't bring that Gobstones set along, I hope…"

"Nope, nothing here but our own brainpower. I dunno, Truth or Dare?" She surveyed their barren surroundings. "Well, in this setting, probably just 'Truth,' I suppose."

"Are you serious?" Remus asked before he could stop himself. "Truth or Dare? Dora, how old are you?"

She pulled a bit away from him. "I'm not a kid, Remus."

"I know, I'm sorry, it's just –"

"Or Never Have I Ever," she declared, turning and fixing him with that penetrating stare.

"And what, pray tell, is that?"

"A drinking game, actually, but if you don't have anything to drink, you can count down on your fingers instead. Everybody takes turns saying things they've never done and for each one, if you've done it, you have to put a finger down. Whoever gets all ten fingers first, loses."

"I veto that on the principle that I have a thirteen-year disadvantage and am guaranteed to lose."

"Oh, you never know," she replied, with a smile that made Remus feel unaccountably warm despite the cold air.

"Erm," he said. "How about just 'Truth,' then?"

"It's not too childish for you?" she asked, mock-solicitous.

"No, no."

"You aren't going to be mortified when word of this gets back to all your professor buddies at Hogwarts?"

"Dora, I'm not a professor anymore. I was hardly even one in the first place, just a stand-in for a year." He hesitated.

"But?"

"But… I suppose I would, in fact, appreciate if you didn't tell anyone that I was mad to agree to playing Truth or Dare in some abandoned field on the Downs at midnight on a freezing night in November. …Or at least just don't tell Sirius?"

Tonks' laugh rang out clearer than the starlight overhead. "It's a deal."

Watching Tonks laugh, Remus couldn't help but find his eyes drawn to the warm curve of her lips… Stop it! He shook himself again. There seemed to be something about being here in the darkness together that was hurtling him towards an understanding about himself and his emotions that he wasn't sure he wanted to understand.

"I'll go first," Tonks was saying. "First question: When did you last play Truth or Dare, and what specifically was your last truth and/or dare?"

"With the Marauders, of course – Sirius and James and Peter, that is. That's what we called ourselves. I think the last time was probably just before we finished Hogwarts. We played it a lot, though, for a while there."

"Do you remember the specific last time? What was your last dare?"

"Probably the time Sirius made me jump in the lake fully clothed. Not exactly creative, but aggravating enough. Aggravating was his speciality."

That made her chuckle. "Okay, now it's your turn. Ask me a question."

"Er… Who were your closest friends at Hogwarts?"

"Lame question, Remus! These are supposed to be embarrassing. But, okay, my closest friend was a girl called Ariadne, and then there were two other girls in my house that we were also friends with, Bea and Annagret. But I hung out with the blokes a lot too, because they did more interesting things, by which clearly I mean they got in more trouble. I spent a lot of time with the guys on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team, when I was on the team my last couple years." She considered him. "Okay, let's see. Who was your closest female friend at Hogwarts?"

"Lily."

"Really?" She seemed to have expected a different answer.

"Yes, really. James didn't have a monopoly on her. In fact, we were on good terms long before she would even exchange civil words with him. I believe there were a number of years when she considered me the only even slightly redeemable one out of the four of us."

Tonks snorted appreciatively, then asked, "Did you ever fancy her?" Her eyes widened in horror and she clapped her hands over her mouth. "No, no, I take it back! I didn't ask that!"

He waved aside her protestations. "It's fine, because the answer is no. It wasn't like that at all. I think Lily was too feisty for me and I was too quiet for her."

"Oh."

"I mean – you know, at that time, when I was a nervous schoolboy trying to hide my terrible secret from the world."

"Terrible secret?"

"I'm a werewolf, Dora."

"Oh, right," she said. "That."

"Yes, that," Remus echoed. He'd never met another person so singularly unbothered by his condition. Even James and Sirius had taken a bit of time to adjust when they'd found out, though they'd never wavered in their support of him. Remus frankly didn't know whether to fall at Tonks' feet in gratitude or shake her for her stupidity.

"Your turn to ask a question."

"Right, sorry." He cast about, but couldn't come up with anything, at least not anything appropriate to ask someone who, when it came down to it, he still hardly knew. "I can't think of a question. Would you like to suggest one?"

"Not how it works!"

"Okay, erm… What was…what was…the worst danger you've ever been in as an Auror?"

"First year of my training," she answered promptly. "We were cornering this guy – not a Death Eater, just a common criminal, this was before You-Know-Who reared his head again – and I didn't really know what I was doing. I got cut off from the rest of the team and the guy had his wand at my throat before Mad-Eye showed up and zapped him."

Remus felt slightly queasy at the casual way she described her near-death experience at the age of, what, 18? "Perhaps I shouldn't have asked."

"Who was your first girlfriend?" she asked brightly.

Remus was glad he hadn't yet taken a sip of the tea he'd just reached for, because he probably would have choked. "Er."

"Did I mention the rules of the game include no backing out of any question?"

"Simone-who-was-a-girl-a-year-behind-me-in-Ravenclaw," he muttered in a rush.

Beside him, Tonks seemed to grow somehow still. "Were you serious with her?" she asked.

"No, of course not. I never dated a girl for more than a couple months, because I couldn't have her finding out about my condition. There was only so long I could make plausible excuses every full moon."

"Oh, Remus," she groaned, turning great lamp-like eyes of pity on him, which he found hard to bear. "Why are you so thick?"

Which, actually, was a reaction he didn't much enjoy either.

"Whose was the last heart you broke?" he retorted as his next question. It was meant as a joke, but the words came out harshly.

"Bloke in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, around when I first started training," she said, seeming unfazed. "Then I realised dating people who were going to be my colleagues for the rest of eternity probably wasn't the best idea."

It was Remus' turn to be nonplussed. "Oh."

"Whose was the last heart you broke?"

This was getting rather serious rather fast. "I can't imagine it ever went that far. Do I honestly look like a man over whom hearts would break?"

"Suppose it depends who you're asking." Her gaze on him startled with its intensity, but then she glanced away. "Fine then, maybe it was the other way round. Who was the last person to break your heart?"

Oh, but that made the breath catch in his chest. He never talked about this, and not even Sirius had ever really known the depth of it, how much the end had hurt, even though Remus had known it could never last. "A woman I met during the years of the first Order. Not one of us, not a member of the Order, just a normal witch. But she left me."

Tonks' voice was hushed. "Why?"

"I imagine you can guess."

"No."

"Yes, Dora, yes. That's the way it works. I am a liability to myself and others. I'm dangerous, and not only once a month when I could kill or maim the people I care most about if I don't take careful precautions, but also the rest of the time, because I can't hold a job, can't take part in normal society. Being with me means being shunned. Most women get tired of that after a while."

"I'm so sorry you think that's true."

"It is true." He would not let himself clutch at the false hope her pity offered him.

Tonks was still staring at him, and it seemed to Remus, suddenly, that she was sitting terribly close.

"It's my turn to ask." His voice came out hoarse.

"Oh. Yes."

He had to steer them away from these treacherous waters. "How did you first hear about the Order?"

"Mad-Eye Moody, obviously. And you?"

"Dumbledore told us about it before we'd even quite finished Hogwarts. He said he wouldn't take on anyone who was still underage or hadn't yet left school, but that after the end of the year we were welcome, if we liked, to turn our prodigious creative energies to a more worthy cause than transforming Slytherins' breakfast into bats." Remus smiled a little at the memory, the way Dumbledore had seemed all-knowing, yet all-forgiving, even then. "The prodigious creative energies were mainly Sirius and James, of course. I think they only took me along for my research abilities."

Tonks shivered again in the cold, but Remus decided moving any closer to her was not a good idea after all. Instead, he picked up his wand and cast a few warming charms around them. Trying to fill the silence, trying to avoid looking at her. Trying to keep his thoughts from barrelling down the two-lane path of what he wanted and what he couldn't have.

"Those won't last," she said. "The wind always blows them away. Believe me, I've been on enough late-night stakeouts to know."

Remus tried to put on a smile again in response, but he was suddenly aware of being deeply, achingly weary. None of this was fair. He allowed himself a quiet sigh that somehow turned into a yawn halfway through, and stifled it with a hand against his mouth, embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I'm not bored, just tired."

There was some kind of gentleness in her face when she looked at him. Sympathy, he realised. Not pity.

"You can sleep for a bit if you like, I don't mind," Tonks offered.

"No, no, of course not."

"No, really. They probably won't be here for hours and I'm wide awake."

He shook his head. "That wouldn't be fair to you."

"Remus. Come on. Stop being ridiculous." With that, she pushed his shoulders gently but firmly down until his head was resting on her lap, made sure his cloak was wrapped round him and ordered, "Sleep."

To his amazement, he did.

– – – – –

Odd, how just the weight of Remus' arm on her shoulders could succeed where the best of warming charms failed. Although his touch made Tonks shiver in a different way entirely. Odd, how one moment he seemed so open and unguarded, as if they'd known each other years rather than months, and the next he was pushing her away so hard, it felt like a physical force.

An odd one, this Remus Lupin.

She looked down at him resting against her hip, his forehead wrinkled anxiously even in his sleep. "Let go," she whispered to him, smoothing one hand gently over those wrinkles. He sighed and shifted slightly, but didn't wake. Nor did he relax his worry lines. "I'm here. I'll take care of everything."

She meant it, too. At that particular moment, she would have done anything to make the tension slide from his face. With no one around to know or judge, Tonks allowed herself a small moment of honesty: She'd never felt quite like that about anyone before. It was a strange and terrifying feeling.

And there was definitely something in the way Remus had been looking at her tonight. For the first time, she was finally sure it wasn't just her own wishful imagination.

"Why are you fighting me, Remus? Why not at least give this a try?" she whispered to the sleeping man beside her. "This makes sense, whatever this is – it must do, you know, because it's definitely too weird for anyone to have made it up. Trust me, I really, really wasn't looking to meet someone. I wasn't planning to fall for you."

Remus sighed again and for a moment she panicked, thinking he'd heard her. But he slept on.

She pulled her own cloak tighter, cast a few more ineffectual warming charms into the surrounding air and then simply sat still, making it her task not to wake Remus. She didn't even look at her watch. She wanted this memory to stay just as it was, timeless and untouched by the world.

Some time later, Remus opened his eyes just as Tonks was glancing down at him. For one perfect moment, he simply smiled up at her. Then he realised where he was and scrambled into a sitting position, already apologising.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep. How long was I out? I really didn't mean –"

"I told you to sleep," she shot back, fed up.

He rubbed at his face with his hands, disorientated. "Ugh. Not awake yet. Hold on a second. Sorry."

"Maybe we should add Dares to the Truths," Tonks said recklessly and grabbed both his hands, pulling them away from his face, forcing him to see her. Their eyes locked.

There came a terrific BANG from directly overhead.

"Ahoy there!" shouted a voice with a vaguely foreign accent, as four riders swept out of nowhere and landed in front of them, a crate suspended between their brooms. Tonks glanced at her watch – nearly 3.30 a.m.

"Sorry," one of the men grinned. "We got delayed by an updraft over the Channel."

"Not a problem," Tonks replied, trying to drag her brain along to catch up with the sudden shift in circumstances. "Remus here got to have a lovely midnight nap, so no harm done."

Remus was already rising and stepping forwards to help the men unstrap the crate from their brooms, avoiding Tonks' eyes.

"Sure you'll manage this, just the two of you?" another one of them asked.

"We don't have far to go," Remus assured him. "We Disapparate right from here."

"Careful not to tip it round too much," was the men's only instruction. "But it's not like it's going to explode or anything."

"Ah," said Tonks. "Good to know."

Their late-night visitors prepared to take off again, and then, with a cheery wave, shot up into the night sky, leaving a ringing silence behind.

"Shall we?" Tonks asked and Remus nodded, still avoiding direct eye contact. She took hold of the crate with one hand and his arm with the other, since they'd all agreed her flat was a far better location than 12 Grimmauld Place when it came to storing a clandestine box of potion ingredients that Molly wasn't supposed to see, until Bill could come pick it up. Remus had never been to her place, so Side-Along Apparition was the easiest way. "Three, two, one," she murmured, and then they were both pressed into darkness.

They arrived in an alley near the block of flats where Tonks lived in Muggle London, a run-of-the-mill building that happened to have a few wizards mixed in. "It's not much," she told Remus as they prepared to lug the crate up the two flights of stairs. She'd never cared much about her flat one way or another, but now she felt strangely nervous to know what Remus would think of it.

"If you could see some of the places I've lived over the years, you wouldn't be worried," he assured her.

She considered trying somehow to twist that into a mock-suggestive comment, a joke that might lighten the tension hovering between them (Yeah, Remus, I'd love to see where you've made your bed…) but decided, on second thought, that now was probably not the time.

The crate was surprisingly heavy. Tonks took a quick glance round the empty stairwell – it was nearly 4 a.m. after all – then let a quick Locomotor and a surreptitious flick of her wand lighten their task. She just managed to catch Remus' eye before he looked away again, caught between amusement and disapproval. "Oh, come on," she said. "It's a Saturday night. If anyone does see us, they'll just think they're so drunk, they're hallucinating the sight of a wooden crate floating up the stairs."

She saw amusement win out on his face, though he was careful not to allow their gaze to meet again.

With the crate stowed securely inside her doorway – and Remus lodged just as determinedly outside it – Tonks turned to face him. This was the moment of truth, perhaps, where it was really no longer possible to pretend what was going on wasn't going on, or that she hadn't just practically propositioned him in a wheat field somewhere in Sussex. But she wasn't expecting the sight that met her eyes.

Namely, when she turned to Remus, hovering there in her doorway, she could plainly see that his mouth wanted to kiss her. His eyes were unreadable, his hands were calm, but his mouth gave him away. It struck her speechless.

His mouth wanted to kiss her.

But his lips said, "Good night, Dora," his voice hoarse. Tonks was still so stunned, she simply watched him walk away and down the stairs. Then she slumped against the doorframe, trying to figure out what in Merlin's name had just happened.

After that, Remus made himself scarce until approximately Christmas.

– – – – –

(continue to CHAPTER EIGHT)

Comments

[bets-wilcox.livejournal.com]

Yay! I've been really looking forward to this chapter (you left us on tenterhooks last time with the promise of Remus & Tonks in the dark!) I've bookmarked it to read later this evening, but I just wanted to say how excited I am to see a new chapter posted!

In other news - did you know that there are sample chapters of Shadow Scale out? (see Rachel Hartman's blog.) I'm also so excited about that, that I had to come here and share the news.

[starfishstar]

Aw, thanks so much for being excited for the chapter, and stopping by to share your excitement!

And Shadow Scale!!! Yes, stereolightning pointed me to the sample chapter, and I bookmarked it to read later today, when I'm on a long train ride. Shadow Scale!! I'm lucky enough to have a March birthday and the book has a March release date, so I've already asked for it as a birthday present. :-)

[shimotsuki.livejournal.com]

Oh, what tantalizing development here. Remus starts out by thinking how easy Tonks is to confide in (among other wayward thoughts, hee), and then she goes and ups the ante with her Truth or Dare game. So sad to watch her heart break a little each time Remus lets drop a clue about just how lonely he's been, and just how little he expects to find love -- and then Remus interprets her reactions as pity and flinches away.

"Not a problem, I'm good at waiting." / Remus had to smile to himself, because he knew just how patently untrue that was. -- Hee! Remus, if only you knew how long she held still when you were asleep with your head in her lap.

She pulled a bit away from him. "I'm not a kid, Remus." -- Ah, if you only knew how little he thinks of you that way!

What horrible timing Bill's contacts had! Hee.

And oh, what an emotional wrench at the end. Poor Tonks. And poor Remus, too, for that matter. But at least now it's out in the open that there really is something going on between them.

(And it looks like Sirius is going to win that imaginary bet!)

[starfishstar]

Yay, glad you enjoyed! Yes, super-duper-always-controlled Remus is finally starting to have some wayward thoughts! (Finally!)

Indeed, stay tuned for the outcome of Sirius' imaginary bet with himself...