Be the Light in My Lantern, chapter 5

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BE THE LIGHT IN MY LANTERN

Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (At long last, my Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making!)

Chapter 5: Surviving October

I hold the shovel upside down
Takes all my strength to turn it around
Wish I had more to give
Than the will to let you go

–Jennie Stearns, Angel with a Broken Wing

The next couple weeks passed without anything, werewolf-related or otherwise, taking him away from London, and Remus found himself grateful simply to stay put for once.

He took his turns at guard duty at the Ministry, and went up north once to keep an eye on Hogsmeade, but mostly he holed up in the house, doing some research in the extensive magical library left by Sirius' father, looking into spells for Dumbledore. Other Order members stopped through periodically, never staying long, each busy with their own assignments.

Tonks, as promised, was a frequent visitor, bringing her good cheer into the dour house. She had an undeniable knack for teasing Sirius out of his bad moods, Remus observed, impressed. When she was there, 12 Grimmauld Place felt almost like a…home. Remus almost didn’t dare to think it, so foreign was the concept after years of being transient and alone.

Ironic, of course, that the house Sirius hated so much was becoming more of a home to Remus than he'd had in a long time, given that a series of bedsits and derelict cottages, each dingier than the last, hardly merited that title.

Home. The thing Remus would always secretly want, and knew he could never fully have. In truth, he would like nothing more than to one day settle down and be normally, boringly happy with someone, but he knew better than to believe he could have that, had always known better than to believe it. Remus was a dangerous, destitute Dark creature, and he could not in good conscience wish himself on anyone. Least of all someone whose well-being he cared about.

Having friends like Sirius and Tonks was already far more than he could ever have wished for. It was more than enough.

Autumn swept in and October passed by and Remus didn't even realise it was Halloween until he was walking back to Grimmauld Place one evening in the falling dusk and found the pavement overrun with giggling hordes of masked Muggle children, dashing about and churning up the fallen leaves, leaving behind them a crisp scent of autumn.

Remus’ first instinct was to run and hide, maybe drink his way to incoherence in some disreputable Muggle bar where no wizard would think to look for him. Every year he thought surely the pain of losing your dearest friends must fade with time, but every year October came and caught him breathless, felled him with his own failures.

What stopped him from running now was the thought of Sirius, who couldn't run even if he wanted to. And as much as Remus deeply, desperately didn't want to talk about it, he figured that if Sirius did, it was his responsibility to listen.

He let himself into the house and hung up his cloak, then followed his instinct and headed straight for the kitchen.

Sirius was there, slouched at the long table with a bottle of Firewhisky uncapped in front of him.

"Ah, good," Remus said. "You've had the same idea."

Sirius peered up at him from behind his lank curtain of hair. "I goddamn hate it, Moony."

"Yes," Remus agreed. "Give us a drink, then."

Sirius poured and Remus took the seat next to him. They lifted their glasses in a silent toast, then drained them.

Remus shuddered. "Ugh."

"Here," said Sirius. "Have another."

They did.

Sirius' eyes were bloodshot, but his voice and his hands remained steady, despite the suspiciously low level in the bottle. But then, he'd always been the one of them best at holding his liquor. James had tended to become ebullient after a couple drinks, expansive in his gestures and physically affectionate to a degree that made even Sirius uncomfortable. Peter had just turned red and grown less and less coherent, until he eventually slumped over and fell asleep. And Lily, when she joined them, Lily had sat there sipping her drink and looked perfectly collected as she watched the rest of them, her boys, and smirked at them as they grew sillier and louder.

"I still want to kill Peter," Sirius informed him now. "I haven't forgotten. That was the whole point of getting out."

"No," Remus said. "Well, yes. It was. But now you have something more important. Protecting Harry. Fighting Voldemort. You hate Voldemort more than you hate Peter, don't you?"

"No," Sirius spat. "I don't."

And Remus found he couldn't argue with that.

They had another drink.

"Harry isn't like James," Sirius muttered. "He's more…responsible. And caring."

"Oh," Remus said. "Heavens forbid he be caring and responsible."

"Less fun."

"Because we're a right old barrel of laughs ourselves."

"I told you, didn't I, he's starting a secret defence thing?"

"Secret defence thing?"

"Hermione's idea, she talked him into it. Getting together with some of the others to learn actual defence, Harry teaching them. Since they aren't learning anything in class with that Umbridge woman."

"That bitch," Remus growled.

Even through the haze of alcohol, Sirius looked surprised. "Sharp tongue you've got tonight, Moony."

"I hope they're being careful. If she catches them doing anything…"

"Remus. Stop worrying. Have another drink."

They did. Remus listened to the clock tick, somewhere behind the pots and pans. The silence stretched out.

"I'm sorry," he said at last.

Sirius turned, with effort, to peer at him. "What can you possibly be sorry for?"

"For not trusting you. Not trusting myself. Trusting Peter, when we must have been blind not to see we weren't just drifting away from him, he was distancing himself deliberately. Not taking it seriously enough, thinking nothing could really happen to James because it was James, he was invincible, wasn't he? I would have protected him and Lily and Harry with my life, truly I would have, but somehow I couldn't quite believe it would really come to that. I could have stayed with them, you could have stayed with them, someone from the Order should have been there at all times, we just left them alone…"

Sirius was shaking his shoulder, hard. "Remus. Remus, damn it, stop."

Remus felt himself teetering perilously close to tears, but forced them back, savage and angry. "I should have protected them."

"Don't be an idiot, it's not your fault! None of it's your fault! You were protecting them, you always protected all of us. I was the idiot for trusting –" Sirius' hand clenched convulsively and he couldn't even bring himself to say the name. "Remus, all of it is my fault. How can you not know that?"

But Remus had gone beyond the point of no return. "When I think of that night, of Halloween… When I stopped by to see them, and Lily said you'd just been, and Peter would be coming over later… She was anxious, said she had a bad feeling, and I told her to relax, everything was fine, they were safe. She was standing there in the living room, holding Harry… James was making jokes even then, saying Lily invented Voldemort ten times a day out of shadows and drapery… They were so young. James was making jokes and I was laughing with him, to put Lily at ease. And that was the last night."

Sirius turned in his chair to face him, gripping both his shoulders so Remus was forced to look him in the eyes. His voice was slow but clear, urgent. "Remus, listen to me. It is vitally important that you understand this. Everything is my fault. I was supposed to be the Secret-Keeper, I made the switch. I chose to trust Peter and I stopped trusting you. God knows why. I killed them, just as much as Peter did. Every minute in Azkaban, I knew I deserved it. You're not responsible."

"I should have protected them," Remus whispered.

Sirius shook his head, and Remus realised Sirius had tears in his eyes. Then he realised he himself did too.

"Nothing will bring them back," Sirius said, his voice rough. "It's just how it is. There's nothing we can do."

There was a long silence and the far-away ticking of the clock. Remus felt drained, as if he'd run an unfathomable distance. "I'm glad you came back," he said, finally. "It's less alone."

Sirius stared back at him, humble and laid bare. "I'm glad, too," he said. "It's more than I deserved."

– – – – –

(continue to CHAPTER SIX)

Note: A couple more stories about Remus and Sirius during those in-between years, if you're interested:

Skellig, Azkaban, Albion, Éire – Sirius alone among the waves, and Remus drawn to the far-flung edges of the world.
Cast Your Soul to the Sea – Leaving England behind him, Remus is not as alone as he thinks.
What I Have Taken Long Before – Sirius arrives to "lie low at Lupin's" (just prior to the start of this story).